tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC July 30, 2010 12:05am-12:22am EDT
yesterday, blocking the most controversial provisions. so, tonight, we ask, if the dluted legislation is still capable of stirring such popular passion, is there any hope for arizona to work out a compromise? and what form should an agreement between the two sides take? tell us what you think at the "nightline" page or on the "nightline" page at abcnews.com. finally tonight, we want to remind you that this week, with new host cristian aymhristiane remeirs be sure to tune in sunday morning. that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, backstage with the new samsung captivate. a phone exclusively at at&t. the huge four-inch screen is brighter and more vivid than
anything you've seen and it's got a lightning fast processor for quicker uploads and downloads. >> jimmy, the show is going to start. i'll take care of this. >> jimmy: thanks, guillermo. >> give it to me. >> jimmy: it's fine. i can hold it. >> jimmy, you will be very sad if something will happen to your new phone. >> jimmy: you know what, maybe you're right. okay, thanks, pal. hold only this. >> it is okay samsung captivate. ly take care of you. >> dicky: the samsung captivate. a galaxy s phone scloout v exclusively at at&t. cinema quality entertainment in the palm of your hand. >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with josh hutcherson, music from the swell season and matthew fox! [ male announcer ] if you think all batteries are the same, consider this --
at iowa lakes community college, students are learning how to keep wind turbines working. and to keep them safe, the only battery they trust in their high-voltage meters is a duracell rechargeable. duracell. trusted everywhere. to finish what you started today. for the aches and sleeplessness in between, there's new motrin pm. no other medicine, not even advil pm,
is more effective for pain and sleeplessness. new motrin pm. subway footlongs... are just $5. [ male announcer ] score big with the $5 footlong sub made just the way you love it. throw on some mustard... a little bit of mayo... black olives... maybe a couple jalapenos. i like a little kick. subway. where winners eat. with their autobahn for all event. it ends soon. they got great prices. cars built for the autobahn. people are gonna be driving crazy in the jetta... ...the routan, and the cc. that cc is gorgeous. that jetta is awesome. my wife loves her new routan. and they all come with that carefree maintenance. scheduled maintenance included. we're not shopping for cars here, people. c'mon! well, i am now. that's kind of exciting. [ male announcer ] right now, get 0% apr on 2010 models, excluding tdi. or get a great price on a certified pre-owned volkswagen. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's
>> jimmy: i'm charmed by that, thank you. thank you for being here. thank you for watching. thank you for your generous contributions. i'm jim, as in jim tan laundry. that is me that they're talking about. after six months of breathless anticipation, america returned to the jersey shore, which, like lebron james, has been relocated to miami. and none of the people on it are from new jersey and it is new miami. i guess as long as there's techno music and a quiet place to vomit, the jersey shore can really be anywhere. it's a state of mind, if you will. i noticed today that the show isn't in hd, which is weird. it's in vd, this show. [ laughter ] but not in hd. this season, they brought angelina back. she was on the first season, but got kicked out and then after she was kicked out, she bad mouthed the other girls in interviews. so naturally mtv brought her
back and surprised -- everyone is getting along really well. >> you want to go outside right now, we'll go right [ bleep ] outside. >> first of all -- >> put your [ bleep ] in my [ bleep ] face. you want to take this -- >> i'm trying to come back here with a fresh start. i'm trying to be classy right now. >> hold on. angelina -- >> [ bleep ] mosquito in my ear. just stop. all right. you're so annoying. you want to do this on me. >> jimmy: they say women are from hoboken and men are from trenton. the guys -- another big moment tonight, j-woww spilled a drink on sammie's clothes. i couldn't believe it, either. this is what we're watching. so, snooki rinsed the clothes off in the sink. >> oh, my god. >> it just collapsed. >> don't [ bleep ] with her shorts. >> i feel like a pilgrim right
now. >> jimmy: she didn't say which. could have been the 1620s, right? pilgrims. she came over on the sprayflower, in -- [ laughter ] you may remember some italian american groups were upset about the first season of "jersey shore" because they felt it depicted our people in a negative light. so me, it just depicts people in a negative light, but -- my ain't chipaunt chippy is an ita american, last year, we forced her to watch the show. she's more open minded this year, right uncle fran snk. >> she is. >> jimmy: here is aunt chippy with her review of tonight's big premiere. >> people who watch this, and i mean this with, from the bottom of my heart -- you're sick bastards. >> jimmy: so, i guess she did not -- [ applause ]
there were -- two major revelations about snooki in the episode. one, she has a boyfriend, which should last for two and a half weeks, and two, she's abandoned tanning beds and started spray tanning because of the new health care bill. that's it. that's perfect. >> i don't go tanning tanning anymore because obama put a 10% tax on tanning. and i feel like he did that intentionally for us. >> jimmy: yes, yes, that's what he was thinking about. that and the new pickle tax, where -- president obama has more important things to do than watch the show. well, like, appear on "the view" this morning. it was the first time a sitting president has ever sat on a daytime talk show. and oprah was not pleased. i heard she threw a ming vase through a picasso this morning. while the president was there,
joy behar asked him about snooki. >> should snooki run as mayor of wasilla? >> i got to admit, i don't know who snooki is. >> you don't? >> i'm snooki, bitche! >> jimmy: they really should beef up security, because that should not be allowed to happen to the president. it was a very big morning on "the view." barbara walters made an appearance to conduct, and the ladies were extremely excited the president was there. >> do you really think being on the show with a bunch of women, five women who never shut up, is going to be calming? >> look, i -- i was trying to find a show that michelle actually watched. [ talking over each other ]
>> an honor to have you. thank you. >> i had a wonderful time. >> jimmy: well, you know, they couldn't help themselves. i can't blame them. one of the things that the president revealed this morning was that he was not invited to chelsea clinton's wedding this weekend, which before anyone think it is a personal slight, it's like 80 bucks a head. you can't invite everybody. security is very fight. the faa ordered a no fly zone over the area where the wedding is taking place, and the secret service has been ordered to shoot if bill gets within 15 feet of a brimd sdesmaid, so -- [ laughter ] remember president bush? president bush's memoir is set to come out. just in time for the upcoming midterm elections, and that has some republicans worried, because it may remind voters of president bush. one conservative columnist called the timing of the book release selfish and stupid,
which, coincidentally happens to be the title of the book, available for preorder right now on amazon. this monday night, the season fin nall lowe of "the bachelorette" is on abc. abc put out a press release that promises the result will be, quote, shocking. which, i mean, how shocking could it be? she either picks roberto or chris or she picks neither one. what am i missing here? the only thing that will shock me is if in three months ali is still with the person she chose to be with on the show. if it is to be believed, the pro mow is promised to be very different than any of the finales before it. >> monday, ali's heart-wrenching final decision. and roberto's startling revelation. >> i want to show you something. i'm actually a woman.
>> abc's "the bachelorette." lesbians in love. monday on abc. >> jimmy: all right, now that's a twist. [ applause ] that's a twist. this is -- this is interesting. a new study from ucla found that 1 in 5 californians say they believe they could use some professional help for mental problems. and all of them said if the resources were limited, mel gibson can go ahead of them, so -- today, what was called the final of the purported mel gibson tape series was released. he had a good run. this last message was allegedly left for his ex-girlfriend oksana the day after he allegedly called her 30 times in one night, and, well, listen to this. >> oh, my god. just kidding, baby. just kidding. you've been punked. oh, my gosh, you should have seen your face. just messing with you, baby.
i love you so much. bitch in heat? that was a good one. hilarious. oh, let's grab dinner, though, baby, okay? you and me. bye-bye. >> jimmy: all right. we've been -- [ applause ] oh, sugar tits, you got us again. big news today. ellen degeneres says she will not return to "american idol" this season. she said that after much thought, she realizes that it's terrible and she cannot sit through one more second of that crap, so -- if i was in charge, i would replace all the judges with three hungry donormans trained to attack if moment season sings offkey. those are the dogs. [ applause ] lindsay lohan is still in jail. she's supposed to get out sunday or monday. her lawyer said she's been passing the time eating twizzlers. you can make an escape ladder out of those.
i've seen it done. lindsay's father today released a song that he wrote for her, and he wrote the song, i guess, the last time he was in prison, which is so sweet. well, here's a little bit of it. ♪ a father's love will never e die ♪ ♪ we'll see things through ♪ no matter what the reasons why ♪ >> jimmy: there are a lot of reasons why, in this particular case. there's a report today that lindsay's friends were going to have a protest outside the detention facility where she's locked up. what they're protesting, i don't know, but the paparazzi was there, all there waiting for this protest, but the only friend who showed up was this guy. >> she's accepted responsibility and that's really all i have to say. >> she went to jail? >> yes, she did. >> oh! >> jimmy: now that's jake byrd, from when she went into jail. we met jake outside -- we met
him outside the michael jackson trial and then, we saw him at the o.j. arraignment -- >> we expect mr. simpson to be processed and released -- >> yes! >> fairly quickly. >> jimmy: and we saw him again at paris hilton's dui hearing. >> he ruled that he was remaineding miss hilton to the sheriff's custody to serve the remainder of her sentence at the century region -- >> no! no! no! no! >> jimmy: he's everywhere he needs be. and today, in lindsay's time of need, when none of her friends were brave enough to show their faces, jake byrd was there, alone. >> okay, okay. okay. look. look where i am. i'm at lindsay's -- i'm at lindsay lohan's jail and i'm going to play the new song that her dad wrote her. and you can tell from the song that it's not just a ploy to sell some mp3 downloads. he totally loves her. this is for lindsay. it's "daddy's little girl."