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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 25, 2009 12:05am-1:05am EDT

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it's time now for tonight's "closing argument." you have heard the debate, now your turn. what do you think? are we born to cheat, does the seventh commandment matter? tell us what you think on abcnews.com or the "nightline" twitter page. tomorrow night, we'll look at the fourth commandment and how chick-fil-a has managed to keep the sabbath holy. that's our report for tonight. "jimmy kimmel live" is up next. good night, america. b.p. hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, and mama meeia, we have a show for you. it's the l.a. feast of the san
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gennaro and we have guys throwing pizzas, tommy lasorda eating pizzas, rob lowe is here and lisa lampanelli and this new addition to "grey's anatomy." >> most likely you have something picked up in the water but it's formed an abscess. you need surgery. >> you may not touch my colon? >> that goes for everyone, by the way. most importantly of all, we will attempt to set a new guinness world record, currently held by mexico, for the largest meatball on planet earth. i'm sorry, mexico, the record cannot be yours. tonight, we take it back. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes.
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hi, my name is kylie, and i found these happy words all over my dad's computer. 7.....7.....7....7.... happy words... need happy pictures. i'm going to make a slide show. snappy... (mispronouncing "responsive") and reponcinslive. i'm a pc and more happy is coming.
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>> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- rob lowe. comedian lisa lampanelli. tommy lasorda from the feast of san gennaro.
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jimmy attempts the world's largest meatball. and competitive pizza throwing. with cleto and the cletones. and now, not for nothing, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> nice to see you, hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. that's very kind, i'm the host of the show. i'm glad you're excited but a -- because this is -- this is a good night for enthusiasm. a very special night here in hollywood. it's first night of the l.a.
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feast of san gennaro. our eighth annual charity event, goes on all weekend. it's in back of our theater every year. san gennaro for those who don't know is the patron saint of chest hair and colognes. and jewelry. [ laughter ] and you will see plenty of that tonight. the food though is the main attraction. i have been starving myself for this. i have not eaten since lunch. so this is going to be -- tonight not just a celebration. tonight we are on a mission. tonight, i'm declaring war on mexico. now, i'll explain why. on august 4th -- i'm glad some of you support it in general, but there is reason. on august 4, mexico set the record for the world's largest meatball which obviously is unacceptable, and what makes it even worse is that the previous record holder was us. we set it five years ago and they broke it. they made a meatball -- our meatball was 16 pounds.
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theirs was 109 pounds. [ laughter ] but tonight we are going to break that record like an antique pinata. we are going to smash it to death. and i will say this -- [ cheers and applause ] in the spirit of unity, ironically, most of the guys who cook that meatball, mexican. [ laughter ] and to help us tonight we've got a very special guest. baseball legend and dodgers great tommy lasorda is here. hi, tommy. >> how are you? >> now, tommy, earlier this week, had a great -- hi tommy. tommy had his portrait hung at the smithsonian institute. congratulations. >> thank you, jimmy. it was something special. i never dreamed of something like that happening to me. but when i looked at that portrait, that's going to right in to the smithsonian institute, i said, hey, i'm dreaming.
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i'll be waking up pretty soon. >> i don't blame you. what is your take on mexico beating us out on this meatball? >> well, they're going to be tough to beat, but there's no doubt in my mind, meatballs are italian. >> that's right! >> we make a meatball. [ cheers and applause ] we discovered the meatball. we're not going to let anybody beat us. >> thank you, tommy. that's right. and tonight we're going to take their sabato and stuff it in their gigonte. the whole thing, we have an official representative, the guinness book on hand to make it -- and this is more than just about the meatball, it is about apple pie and billy ray cyrus and mexico can have him if they want. i'm glad we have an olympic gold medal winning manager on hand, tommy lasorda, to lead us. on friday, october 2, it's
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italian american heritage night at dodgers stadium and they're honoring tommy for his 60 years with the dodgers organization. tommy will check in later, thank you. look at that, nice. now i want to go to guillermo, our parking lot security guard. how are you feeling about all this, guillermo? >> scared. >> guillermo has mixed feelings because he's from mexico originally, but now he lives here and works with us. i told him i'd fire him if he wasn't rooting for us. [ laughter ] you told me you had a nightmare last night. >> yes. >> how do you say it in spanish? so tell us about the nightmare what happened exactly? >> i was running in a big tunnel. and then i turn around and a big giant meatball was chasing me. >> really? wow. >> i'm running away from a giant meatball! i have to choose between jimmy
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and mexico. oh! oh! >> kimmel versus mexico. the largest meatball. tonight. >> wow. [ cheers and applause ] that's scary. by the way, i had that dream every night except i'm using chasing the meatball. a fresh new season of television is underway. we had a couple of big hits on abc. "modern family" and "cougar town" did very well in the ratings and they're very funny. and "dancing with the stars" eliminated two contestant, ashley hamilton and macy gray. once the contestants are eliminated they come here to
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thank their fans while quietly cursing the judges. last night, macy and ashley showed up, and macy did not come out. her dance partner said she's too overcome to come talk to me. it was kind of weird. but she can't possibly have believed she was going win this thing, but it turned out that it had nothing to do with being upset. it turned out she was in the hallway viciously beating judge bruno tonioli. [ laughter ] with a number of items. so fortunately, she was able to get over her grief in time to appear on "good morning america" this morning. so i guess she bounces back quick. this is something. that's a woman in indonesia who this week gave birth to a giant baby. a two-foot long, 19.2 pound baby. actually, ate the baby next to it. [ laughter and applause ] the mother exploded but the kid
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is doing well. the mother is fine and not only isn't this the biggest baby in record, it wasn't the biggest bay of 2009. the biggest baby in 2009 was kanye west. [ laughter ] i guess there's still an appetite for kanye west jokes. a man down in orange county made a trip to the emergency room. let me say this, it's rarely a good thing when your trip to the emergency room makes the news. >> that's the reaction when people learned that a man tried to stretch his penis to make it bigger. a man used this weight, something like this, only it got stuck for three days. the fire department was called into the e.r. the only way to get the weight off the man's penis was to saw it off and they did. no one knows why the man did it.
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>> do not put your weiner in a dumbbell. >> good advice. [ laughter ] all right. try telling that to hugh hefner. he's been doing it for years. [ laughter ] i apologize. a dramatic season premiere of "grey's anatomy" tonight. if you haven't watched "grey's anatomy," this is about a hospital where all the doctors have sex with each other every day which i think is part of obama's new healthcare plan. [ laughter ] last season, they had a cliffhanger night. t.i. knight who played george decided to quit the show to do broadway or something, so they hit him with a bus. and that's how things work in hollywood. your leave a job and they kill you on television. tonight was the reveal and his character died, so naturally they have to bring in new characters. i really like the choice they made.
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nothing against t.r. knight, but this is a young actress, she's terrific, i think they're going to keep her around for a while. if case you missed it, here is a clip. ♪ >> hey, clara, this shows that you have an infection in your small bowel and your colon is inflamed. >> does that mean i'm gay? >> most likely something you picked up in the water, but it seems to have formed an abscess. which means we need surgery right away. >> an abscess? doesn't make any sense. that colon hasn't been in the water. i haven't even been in the hot tub. no, no surgery this is a mistake, no. >> if we don't -- >> you may not touch my colon! >> just take a minute. take a few minutes and i'll come back and we'll discuss it. >> i can hear you! >> you need surgery.
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>> but it's a simple procedure. if all goes as planned -- >> but if it doesn't go as planned, be honest with me, what's the worst case scenario? >> well, um, worst case is that we have to take out a part of your do lon and -- colon and give you a colostomy bag? >> oh. could it have polka dots and hello kitty on it? let's do it. i'm in. should i turn over? >> wow. [ cheers and applause ] i hope he doesn't get hit by a bus. we have a good show tonight. we have lisa lampanelli. professional pizza throwing. we'll be throwing pizzas and and we'll be right back with rob lowe. there he is. >> no no! jimmy. >> what's wrong, why are you saying no? >> i'm not coming out.
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i'm not doing it. >> why? >> i'm too emotionally distraught to go through with interview. >> why is that, rob? >> it's the whole macy gray/"dancing with the stars" fiasco. >> i didn't know you were so close with macy. >> never met her. i'm very upset with the whole thing. i don't know the judges could have done this to her. these horrible, terrible -- >> rob is taking this hard. well, hopefully we'll be able to convince him to come out. when we come back, maybe we'll be joined by rob lowe. stick around. now your card comes with a way to plan for what matters to you. introducing blueprint. blueprint is free and only for chase customers. it lets you choose what purchases you want to pay in full to avoid interest...with full pay.
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♪ the feast of san gennaro has begun to celebrate tonight, professional pizza throwers, chris green, ryan larose and sam
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mee meyer will delight us. comedian lisa lampanelli is here tonight with her new book, "chocolate, please, my adventures in food, fat and freaks". i think i fit into all three of those categories. and then to cap off the show, we will reclaim our rightful place at the top of the meatball world, by reclaiming the record. stolen from us by mexico, for the world's largest meatball. we're only minutes away from making america number one again. you're welcome, president obama. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by chef chris bianco, region james and esther dean. our first guest has been in front of the camera for almost half his life. his face has been declared a national treasure. starting october 2, you can see him opposite ricky gervais in the very funny new movie "the intervention of lying". please welcome rob lowe. [ cheers and applause ]
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great to see you. >> good to see you. >> it's become a tradition now that you -- you were here for the feast last year. >> i only come for free pizza. >> i heard you're a pizza nut. >> i'm trying to get prepped for a comedy bit and i'm stuffing my face with pizza. >> see, that's where we differ. i can only do it when stuffing my face with pizza. do you make pizza? >> i have a pizza oven at thousands. i don't know how to work it of course, but i know how to eat it. >> what's your favorite pizza place in the united states? >> well, new york was the sort of epicenter of pizza, but i shot this movie with ricky gervais in boston and i have to tell you outside of the boston garden there's a boston pizza place i put up with anywhere in the world. >> can you tell a name so people can go there? >> regina's pizza in boston.
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>> i have heard of that place. >> it's serious, serious stuff. >> what's the difference between the boston and the new york pizza? >> i don't know. i think it's the oven and the way they do it. >> dicky, do you know the difference? >> it's just better, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> that's why he moved. and, you know, you actually -- you mentioned that you're eating pizza and that -- one of the magazines -- >> i was hitting it after every celtics game i went to. >> they put you in one of the beach bodies winners and losers thing. >> it's not a good look. see what happens when you eat too much pizza? >> i wish that happened to me when i eat pizza. maybe i'm off, but i don't think you look fat in the picture. i can't tell which is the before and the after picture. you need some body hair to cover it up. >> well, that was the end of the pizzas for a while. >> wow.
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do you feel like you have to monitor your appearance? >> no. you know what, i work so much and commute so much to where i can live i can barely worry about getting up in the morning. >> so you don't look at yourself in the mirror and go i'm one of america's most beautiful human beings, i would rather take -- >> what are the stories of getting their hands insured by lloyd's of london. >> like mary hart, she got her legs insured. >> really? >> well, i heard that. athletes will get their body parts insured but you should get your head insured. >> my head? because of my mind. >> that's part of it. but, you know, for the good of all of us. what would we do without it. alec baldwin said he'd trade his emmy for your appearance. >> and we have made the trade. i'm physically going to become alec baldwin within the next to to four weeks.
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>> he's not bad looking either. there's admiration between guys who are both very, very handsome. >> alec has been a stalker of mine. very unfortunate it had to come to light in the way it did. >> as far as all the baldwins go, i think you got the better part of it. i heard your son turned 16. >> my son matthew turned 16 years old today. >> 16? mine turned 16 last week. >> okay, so girls have sweet 16's. >> yeah. >> boys have what? solemn disenfranchised 16's? >> i don't know. did you have party or anything? >> party is tomorrow. >> oh. >> what do you call it? girls are sweet 16. boys are just 16. not fair. >> yeah, boys get cheated and they should have another date
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that maybe like -- well, i guess maybe 21 is the thing for boys. >> that's when they make it up. >> are your children ugly too? [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. >> is he driving, your son? >> i'm petrified. i'm petrified. aren't your petrified of your kid driving? >> it's a mixture of petrified and happy that i don't have to get up at 6:30 to drive the him to school. a balance there. >> my philosophy is you're not real driver until you have had your real fender bender. i'm trying to stage it. >> well, ram your son while driving. >> in fact, you would help me and you can repay the favor. >> we can crash into each other's kids. the beginning of a movie that goes horribly wrong. speaking of movie, you did a great job in this movie. very evil in the movie. [ cheers and applause ] your co-star and director is rickyi
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ricky gervais as you mentioned. you're the rival on scale, but the director off screen. >> as an actor, hilarious and funny and he ruined every scene because he was laughing. as a director really, really serious. like a duel personality. >> so he takes it really serious, he's not one of the fun guys? >> he's really fun as an actor. he has a whole shtick of repeating of what you just said in a really high voice. he just said he's not funny. [ laughter ] he said -- why would he say that? that's ricky's thing. >> then do you feel embarrassed when he does it, because of the tone of voice and pointing you can't help but be embarrassed. >> i'm easily shamed. >> you are? i find that hard to believe, by the way. well, we have a clip of the movie. there's an interesting conceit to the film -- >> i'm surprised nobody has done this movie.
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it's a world in which no one has ever thought to tell a lie. so everybody says exactly what's on their mind. there's no flattery, no fiction. it is exactly what you want to say to anybody at any given time, so i think the clip is when i have just fired ricky and i'm saying good-bye to him at the office and all this stuff comes out. >> right. okay, take a look. "the invention of lying" opens next friday. >> can i talk to you? i heard you're getting fired. that must be hard. i wanted to say good-bye and i've always hated you. >> always -- >> hated you. >> i didn't know that. >> oh, i turned people against you. >> that's what you came to tell me? >> no, i came to tell you good-bye and the rest came out. >> very good. you did a great job with it. opens next friday. then the fourth season of "brothers and sisters" starts on sunday. >> this sunday night.
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>> you're a very busy man. >> you barely have time to crash into your children. >> but i have time to eat pizza. >> there you go. we'll be back with lisa lampanelli. huh, tell me about it. the only thing about me that looks put together is my new outfit. where are your legs!? they were with my cardi coats... there's the swing coats, the ones with the toggle buttons...no legs! 20 bucks will get you a new cardi coat, but it won't get you new legs. i can't be seen in the manhattan store like this! oh, my legs! my beautifully-sculpted legs! arrive in style. this week at old navy. so it's a typical morning when suddenly you see built ford tough trucks! the ground starts rumblin' like you just struck oil, and you know what? you did hit pay-dirt cause it's ford truck month. an' leading this herd is the ford f-150. it's not just a truck it's an f-150. and with great power comes great fuel economy. no wonder it was named 2009 motor trend truck of the year. now get 0 percent apr for 60 months or 45 hundred cash back on an 09 f-150. and ford credit is on board to help with the financing.
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i've got my money on whlasoa in that one. our next guest is a very funny woman with a very foul mouth. you know her from the comedy central roasts and her stand-up specials. her new book is called "chocolate, please". please welcome lisa lampanelli. [ cheers and applause ] how's everything? >> jimmy, could be mad at you right now. >> why? >> took me seven years for -- seven years to get on your dumb show and now he invites a bitch who talks about overeating when there's a san gennaro feast on. >> your book is about overeating. >> yeah, i'm like mackenzie phillips at a family reunion. [ laughter ] >> well, this will be a good
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test for you, and your new regime. >> yes. >> shall we say. so you're italian, we thoughted the be a good thing. what is your favorite thing? >> i would prefer baloney sandwiches and not just to attract the black men either. >> is that how you do it? >> yes, you do. that and bail money. [ laughter ] >> was your mom -- i probably should point out, people get upset you're very fond of african-american men. >> yes, i have two addictions in my life, chocolate men and chocolate food. >> now you're getting married, you have a fiance. >> yes, i do. >> jim right there. how you doing? >> good. >> jim had got to be the -- he's got to be a special guy. >> he's very brave. he's a nice guy.
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see what happens when you lose weight? you get a white guy. >> is that right? >> it's true. >> that could be the title of your next book. what it is about that black men in particular that attracted you to then? >> because black men like the big butt. also, they're available to hang out with you between 9:00 and 5:00 each day. it's a win/win for lisa. >> but now there must be a lot of disappointment now that you're getting married, you have moved on. >> yes, there's crying all over. [ laughter ] no. >> you -- you have been -- >> this is the best audience. >> people know you from the roasts. you're ruthless. nobody gets down and dirtier than you do. >> yeah, i'm pretty brutal. >> do you ever feel bad about the things that you say -- like
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the things that you said about me? >> no, no. i happen to have a copy of what i said about you right here. >> really? >> does anyone want to hear it? [ cheers and applause ] >> okay. >> oh, great. you actually wrote it all down? >> yes, i did. jimmy kimmel is a chubby bastard. but he's a chubby bastard who's overcome the odds. ten years ago, you wouldn't see a guy like this on tv unless he was saying time to make the doughnuts. [ laughter ] "jimmy kimmel live" has the worst ratings ever. he's on the guy in the history who could go from cable to network and get less famous. [ laughter ] no one watches your dopey show, kimmel. a horse crapping on a parade route has a bigger following than you by the way, i'm available to co-host. >> oh, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i think that you should stop there, by the way. >> it got worse. >> have you ever felt bad about
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anything that you said about something. >> i have to be honest, don't turn against me audience. i feel terrible, we were roasting jerry lewis, he's old and decrepit, could die at any time. so i said, don't worry, jerry, it's almost over. [ laughter ] i don't mean the roast. >> right, right. >> i felt bad because he had a heart attack two days later. >> oh. >> coincidence? i hope not. [ laughter ] >> but jerry probably laughed at that. >> of course he did. he's a good sport. come on, he's old, his bag broke, what does he care? >> i think this is pretty funny, the book is -- not only number one on amazon's comedy list, but it's number two on the cookbook -- >> people are so stupid. >> but it's not a cookbook. my fans are idiots. they order this thinking there's recipes. are you kidding? that's one. how to make an oreo cookie can me and two of the wayans brothers. are you kidding me?
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[ laughter ] >> well, if you like that, there's plenty of it in the book. called "chocolate please", in stores right now. and you can see lisa live tomorrow night at the weidner center in green bay and october 2 at saroyan theatre in fresno. thank you, lisa. we'll be right back with pizza throwing. it's not the new lexus. it's not the new bmw. it's not the new audi. what it is... is impossible to resist. the new twenty-ten lacrosse from buick. it's the new class of world class.
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♪ let me just say, there's no better way on the first night of the feast of san gennaro than by watching people throw ingredients into the air. please welcome from columbus, ohio, ryan larose. come on out. great to have you here. tell us about yourself. >> i have been making pizzas for seven years. >> this looks delicious. what is that made out?
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>> that's practice. that's rubber. >> that's not cheating? >> that's not what we use. >> you're an acrobatic champion? >> yeah. the last three years. >> why don't you go ahead and we'll see what you can do. i'll stand back here so as not to be hit by pizza. here is ryan larose, the pride of columbus. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. that's pretty great. ryan, thank you. beautifully done. our next one is from florida. here's sam neimeier. sam? >> hey, there what's happening, sam? how you doing? you seem like you might be a
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kid. >> yeah. >> how old are you? >> 12 years old. >> wow. how long have you been doing this? >> four years. >> you got put into slave labor? how did you get into pizza so long? >> actually, at the fair, i thought it would be fun to try it. >> you were right? >> very fun. >> you were a national champion? >> yes, for four years right now. >> wow, congratulations. what are you going to do for us? >> spin pizza. >> spin pizza. there you go. let's spin some pizza. chauft chauft. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> very nice. very nice. thank you, sam. very nicely done. you know, if that was anything other than the pizza dough, you'd be beaten up at school for doing that. very nice. and from oxford, mississippi, our final thrower, chris green. come on out. hi, chris, how are you? you're from mississippi, huh? >> that trice. >> do they have good pizza in mississippi? >> it's the home of pizza. >> no, it's not. >> it's pretty good. >> do you work in a pizza place there? >> i like to spin flat objects that's the true. >> what other flat objects to you spin? >> trays, desks, cd's. >> you don't have a girlfriend?
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>> absolutely not, no. i wish. >> well, maybe this will do it for you here. are you also a champion? >> well, we're all champions in some regard. >> that will be enough. let's see. you're closing it out, so you have to be pretty spectacular. let's see what you can do. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> wow, there it is. thank you, chris. there they are, our pizza throwing champions. we'll be back with the world's largest meatball. come on back! my name's lisa. i'm from fayetteville, north carolina,
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provider for 2-layer ambien cr. ♪ welcome back. we if you're -- you're joining ounce a historic night. we are about to set a new world record for the largest meatball. crew has been using a custom-made cooking vessel, more tan 200 pounds of meat. team usa has been working around the clock to make a big meatball and tommy lasorda is our official taster. tommy here is to make sure it's edible. i'm joined by stewart claxton of guinness world records. thank you for coming out. great to have you. stewart, what requirements do we
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have to meet? >> well, the largest meatball must be the larger version of the same food item and the same food items and of course it must be edible. >> very good. we have done all those things. were you in mexico when they set the record? >> unfortunately, not. my colleagues were there and we can verify it was 109 pounds. >> well, we'll break that record tonight. >> take that back to england or wherever you're from. we're required to have an expert in weights and measure to make sure our scale is calibrated and working properly. pedro is everything working properly? >> yes. >> who are you rooting for, mexico or the united states? >> mexico and the united states. >> no, no, you must choose a side, pedro. who are you rooting for, mexico or the united states? >> the united states. >> the united states.
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[ cheers and applause ] all right. so for frame of reference, guillermo get up here. we need to weigh you, because i want to see if this weighs more than guillermo and guillermo weighs in at 208.8 pounds. congratulations, guillermo. what do you think about that? >> i don't think that scale is right. >> it's right. now, the only thing left now is to weigh our meatball. gentlemen, bring in the meatball. not that exciting. all right. that looks kind of exciting. there it is. wow. what a beautiful meat ball and it weighs in at 152.95 pounds. [ cheers and applause ] stewart, does that make it an official guinness world record? >> it does. >> tommy, would you mind if we taste this to make sure it's edible? don't bother with the fork.
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>> you want me to eat the whole thing? >> eat the whole thing or just half of it is all right. tommy lasorda is tasting it. tommy -- oh. the record is still not ours. this is a meatball, tommy? >> great, great! [ cheers and applause ] >> there it is. >> jimmy, you have the record holder for the world's largest meatball, 152 pounds, a new world record. >> this a major thing for me. we shattered our own world record, take that, mexico! but wait, we have a surprise. in fact, we made a backup meatball that might even be bigger than the original meatball. [ cheers and applause ] bring it in. look at this monster. there we go.
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holy cow. and this one weighs in at almost guillermo's, 198.6 pounds. stewart, we have a new world record? >> there it is, right there. >> would you like to taste it? >> do i get another plaque? >> should it be edible, i'm afraid we only brought the one plaque. >> i'll take the one plaque. >> congratulations. >> we'll see if tommy believes it's edible. is it edible? >> better than other one. >> better than the other one. congratulations. >> well, what a night this is. this is absolutely incredible. i want to thank stewart and tommy lasorda and guillermo for being
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♪ well what a night it has been. a world record was broken. pizza dough was thrown. tears of joy were shed. and meatball will be eaten well throughout the month. i want to thank my guest, rob lowe, lisa lampanelli, tommy lasorda and he will be honored for his 60 years with the dodgers organization. >> everyone has to come out!
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>> a feast with the italian slogan on it. i want to thank our ryan, sam, chris, our pizza throwers and stewart from the guinness world book. it's out this time. our apologies to matt damon, you're bumped for meatballs. good night! captioning by captionmax

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