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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 1, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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thank you for joining us tonight. >> up next, late show with stephen colbert. >> for the entire cbs2 news team, have a great weekend. >> what happened to the music? >> i don't know. captions by: caption colorado, email: >> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you very much.
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welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. eddie, michael. ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much. gotta loosen it up. gotta stay loose! welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host stephen colbert, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. it is april 1st, and i love april fools' pranks. april fools, i really don't like them. call me crazy, but shocking or frightening your loved ones is not a national holiday. well, it is, but it's thanksgiving dinner. i want to be clear you have to be careful april one.
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pulling pranks today. for instance, this might happen. your landlord might come by and demand that you pay him a lot of money to keep living in your home. don't fall for it. he pulled the same trick the first of the month last month. and it's happening online. over at the website pornhub-- which i have been told exists-- they changed their name today to cornhub, and replaced all their dirty movies with footage of corn. yeah, shocking. it was shocking. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: there was some hard-core shucking going on. although, i gotta say, i'm a little concerned because anybody who watches that is going to have really unrealistic body standards. those are obviously not natural niblets. but the biggest april fools' day prank, i have to admit, was actually pretty funny. donald trump is still running for president.
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you got us! you got us! and you might have forgot, still about 20 minutes left, mr. trump, to jump out from behind something. or off something. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but i'll tell you what's not a prank, ladies and gentlemen. the fact that we have a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) that's a segue. that's a segue. that's how you do it. >> jon: you did that thing. >> stephen: tonight, our guest from the hit web series "horace and pete" , steve buscemi is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) then i'll be talking with the star of the new broadway show "american psycho," benjamin
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and we will have a fantastic performance from the cast of "american psycho." ( band playing ) that's the lovely sound of jon batiste and stay human. say hi to the band, everybody. there they are. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to kick things off but before they do, one more thing-- an exhibit opening today at liberty science center in jersey city allows people to try on a virtual reality suit that simulates the experience of being 85 years old, it's called a cardigan sweater. >> tonight, stephen welcomes steve buscemi. benjamin walker. and a performance from the broadway show "american psycho."
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human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. that feels good. it's friday, everybody. boy, doesn't that feel good? >> jon: it feels great. it feels amazing. >> stephen: i got a little panicky today and thought it was thursday. >> jon: really. >> stephen: i was not sure i had another day's juice left in me. >> jon: oh, man, you got the juice. you've always got juice. >> stephen: you always got the juice? >> jon: yeah, you come up here every night and you bring it out. you were sick a whole lot.
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yeah. a. you came back and it's likebrand new. i'm always juicing it. i might be juicing. >> jon: i see you a little bigger in the suit this week. >> stephen: i'm busting out, i've been lifting. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: how much can you bench press? ( laughter ) >> stephen: what's a good amount? >> jon: can you bench press your body weight? >> stephen: yeah, sure. that's called a push-up, right? well, how about you? can you bench press your body weight? >> jon: i haven't checked in, like, 10 years. but -- >> maybe we should do that. maybe we should bring out a bench one night and you and i both bench out here. >> jon: we should do that. yes, i would do that. >> stephen: maybe getting ready for summer we should work on our swimsuit bods. >> jon: we would have to have
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>> stephen: no, no, that's for cowards. you have to build up your neck muscles in case it comes back down. ( laughter ) well, that's all we have time for, everybody. thanks so much. it is friday, it is friday, which is always special here at "the late show," because that's when we do "friday night fights," where i debate the outcomes of all-out battles between any two things, like a gerbil versus a hamster, thelma versus louise, or your imaginary girlfriend from canada versus your imaginary girlfriend from summer camp. that's a tough one, because they're both olympic gymnasts. then we let you decide the outcome by posting those match-ups on twitter, america's number one place for uninformed verbal abuse. now's the time. this is: >> audience: friday night
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first up, let's look at the results from our last smackdown. my opponent was paul f. tompkins and our fight pitted the animatronic chuck e. cheese band versus the knights of medieval times. mr. f. tompkins went with the chuck e. cheese band, and the winner was a 50-50 tie! never happened before. of course, as per the rules, all ties are settled the traditional way: with a two-century blood feud between our descendents. quick note to my great-great-granddaughter, i don't care if you love him! they are not good people! now it's time to meet tonight's opponent. he's an actor, comedian and retired marine lieutenant colonel. you know him from "the daily show," and movies like "the hangover," "21 jump street," and "my big fat greek wedding 2." put your hands together for rob
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( cheers and applause ) have a seat. have a seat, rob. have a seat. always good to see you. always good to see you, rob >> good to be here. >> stephen: are you familiar with "friday night fights"? you know how this works? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you ready to throw down, you ready to do it? >> i'm so ready for the smack down. our first match-up: casper the friendly ghost versus the girl from the ring. let's go to the tale of the tape, rob. starting with casper, coming in at no weight because he is an ethereal specter, this dead cartoon's strengths include: the ability to walk through walls, the powers of flight and invisibility, and has probably met jesus. weaknesses include: for a ghost, he's just not that scary.
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he's going up against one of the scariest ghosts of all time, the girl from the ring! coming in through your television, this lil' creeper doesn't have to kill you, just drive you insane until you die. strengths include: can pop out of any screen, including your iphone when you're on the toilet. weaknesses include: impaired visibility due to untrimmed bangs. all right, rob, there you have it, casper the friendly ghost versus the girl from the ripping. who do you got. quite a card tonight. >> stephen: oh, man. >> i'm going with casper, all right. >> stephen: casper? >> yeah. >> stephen: hold on. up to the finish that name. casper the deadly ghost? no, casper the friendly ghost. >> all right. >> stephen: he's a friendly ghost. he doesn't have the fight. he doesn't have the fight. >> oh, sir i beg to differ, all right. this thing is over before it even started. >> stephen: so you surrender. >> no! ( laughter ) the ring girl can't get you unless you watch her on a vhs tape, am i correct? >> stephen: that's true.
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nobody! ( cheers and applause ) yes! yes! and, and, if you want to kill her, just leave her on the dash on a hot day. ( laughter ) on the dashboard. she'll melt. or a nice magnet, perhaps. and it's all over. >> stephen: okay, here's your problem, okay. maybe casper goes visits an old purpose. he's friendly. he visitsole people. they might have a vhs tape. he puts that in there, the girl comes out of the well, stares at him, even if he wins the fight, seven days later he's dead from insanity. he's casper the insane ghost after that. he does not have the fight. he does not have the rage. >> sir, dragging elderly into this is beneath you. all right, all right, let's say that happens. all you have to do is spin the tv towards a fireplace. she crawlz into the fire, game over. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we don't know if she's flammable. we don't know if ghosts are flammable. >> have you seen the wardrobe and the hair, that oil, greasy
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that's a flash fire waiting to happen. >> stephen: all she has to do is look at you. she doesn't even have to touch you, she looks at you, you go insane, seven days later you're dead. she's well lit. she's on fire. >> that's if she gets out of the vhs box which has cindy crawford workout tapes and "miss doubt fire" next to her. >> stephen: casper does not have fire in the belly. he's not mad about anything. he has no rage. >> wrong again and this is where i go from check to checkmate. all he's got is rage. casper is rage personified. he is so angry-- stephen, no genitalia! >> stephen: yes, he does. >> no genitalia. >> stephen: it's that wispy thing at the bottom of him. >> that's not jeopitalia. >> stephen: it's his thing! they just cooperate tell us because it was for kids. they couldn't let us know that's what it was. >> because it's not. he died before puberty. >> stephen: wait a second. first of all, you coknow you
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right? is there something you're trying to tell us? is there something you're trying on tell us. >> not everybody had genitalia before puberty. >> stephen: a late bloomer, are we? all right. it's up to you to pick a winner, america. get on twitter and vote. who would win in a fight, casper the friendly ghost versus the girl from the ring? you ready to do this? we have another one. you have any fight left in you. our next fight is a preview of this weekend's n.c.c.a. basketball tournament. we're not predicting the games. no one can predict that. that's part of the madness. this is a matchup between the four team names. who would win in a fight, the villanova wildcat versus the syracuse orange versus the oklahoma sooners versus the north carolina tar heels, all facing off in a thunderdome? let's go to the tale of the tape. hailing from pennsylvania, it's the villanova wildcat, got big nasty teeth, but since it's a
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fighting him will be otto the orange from syracuse, combining all the powers of man with the cleaning power of citrus. weaknesses include: people always buy oranges but then just leave them to shrivel in the crisper. also in the dome? oklahoma sooners! i have no idea what that is or does. but it's oklahoma, so i'm going to say strengths are wind comes weeping down the plain. weaknesses probably include dust. finally, north carolina tar heel, a foot with tar on it. strengths include: strong traction. weaknesses include: lacks rest of leg, other leg, arms, body, and head. rob, who makes it out of the thunderdome alive? >> first of all, you started out right by putting it in the thunderdome you. >> stephen: have to put a cage on top of that thing. >> this is too big not to be in a thunderdome. >> stephen: exactly. we don't need another hero. >> no. >> stephen: we don't need to know the way home. all we want is life beyond the thunderdome who gets out of the thunder comb? who do you like? >> i'm going with the orange. >> stephen: orange? >> yes. >> stephen: you're betting on
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i'm going with the wildcat. wildcat against a piece of fruit. how does an orange beat a wild animal! >> cat? give me some shiny keys and some yarn, i win, done. >> stephen: he's going to think a ball to play and even accidentally slash the orange open, over. >> yes, okay -- >> yes, so you give up. give up. >> no, no. >> stephen: i heard a yes. >> i'm not agreeing with anything you say. i'm saying you can't destroy an orange, you can only bruise it. yes! >> stephen: okay, but what about the cat's natural ally, the tar heel, the tar heel comes in-- the tar heel comes in-- >> natural ally! >> stephen: it's a footprint. it's a big footprint. you know who's footprint that is? >> no one will ever know, it could be big foot, it could be jesus. >> stephen: it can't be jesus' foot. >> why not. >> stephen: you can't say jesus will fight an orange.
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>> if jesus fought an orange, jesus would win. i can say it. >> stephen: okay, then it's jesus' foot, i win. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: you still have one ally. what about your precious sooner? what about your sooner? >> you don't know what a sooner is,. >> stephen: i don't know what it is and i don't think they're real. i don't think they exist. >> in 1893, the oklahoma land rush began... ( snoring ) ( laughter ). >> stephen: you cannot bore your enemyto death. >> what was i saying. >> stephen: i don't know. sooner. >> stephen: it has to be the wait. it's not up to us. it's up to america. let us know what you think, america. head to twitter and vote: who would win, wildcat, orange, sooner, tar heel? the polls close wednesday at midnight, unless you're on an airplane crossing international time zones, in which case your phone should really be off, anyway. rob, always a pleasure to battle
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that does it for... >> audience: friday night fights! >> stephen: we'll be right back with steve buscemi. this is the all-new 2016 chevy malibu. wow, it's nice. let's check it out. do any of you have kids? i do yes. this car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parent's see how their teens are driving. oh, that's smart. it even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car? (laughter) cause that could be useful. this is ahead of what my audi has for sure. wish my beamer had that. i didn't even know that technology existed.
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( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. welcome back to "the late show" already in progress. my first guest tonight is an actor you know from movies such as "reservoir dogs" and "the big lebowski," and hbo's "boardwalk empire." now he stars with louis c.k. in the web series "horace and pete." please welcome the great steve buscemi. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's so nice to talk to you. it's so nice to talk to you. >> it's so nice to be here. >> stephen: you're one of my favorite actors. everybody loves you. >> thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's-- you've got
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of our movie culture is that you're one at the same time very popular, people know who you are, and you're a cult figure at the same time. >> yeah? >> stephen: yeah. yeah, yeah, for looks like that, for the look you just gave me. and i think-- i feel like i need to start off this interview with an apology because i've been saying boo-sheme for all these year and i found out today it's su-sem-e. >> bu-sem-i is the way my dad pronounced it. when i went to sicily to the town from where my grandfather was from, they say bu-shame-y. you want bu-sem-e. >> i'm used to bu-sem-i. but i never correct people.
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famous as bu-shem-e, right. >> i guess so. >> stephen: if people pronounce it correctly, they'll be like who. my cad said our name coal-bert. if i try to get a reservation at a restaurant, i'm never gog say coal-bert. i'm going to say coal-bear. when you try to get a reservation at a restaurant do you say bu-shem-e. >> first i say bu-sem-e, and if i don't get a reaction then i say bu-shem-e. one time my wife called me, i was in l.a. in a hotel and asked to speak to steve bu-shem-e. and they corrected her. she said thank you now can i talk to my husband. >> stephen: one of the notable things about your career is you're frequently killed off in movies. >> i am, yes. >> stephen: in extravagant ways. >> my forte.
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like, directors love working with you or they just really want to see you get killed? ( laughter ). >> i think they love to see me get killed. but it's kind of-- yeah. >> stephen: do you have a favorite? do you have a favorite way you've been killed? i have-- i have a couple of favorite ways i've seen you killed but do you have a favorite way? >> i don't know if i have a favorite, but the one that's sort of, like, amused me the most was dying of a heart attack in "the big lebowsky." i'm sorry if i spoiled that for anybody. >> stephen: "shut up, tony." >> see? but can you really say the full line? >> stephen: no, because i'm on cbs. >> i'm reading the script, and i-- and i-- you know, sometimes when i read a script, i would, like, just go to the end to see how i die or if-- or if i get beat up -- >> what page does my name disappear on? >> like how far coi make it? when i read "the big lebowsky" i
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nice guy there's no way they're going to kill him. there's no way. and then when i got to that he has the heart daek. i was like, damn it! again. >> stephen: he kind of kills himself. it's nobody's fault but his own. >> he gets so nervous that he has a heart attack, yeah. >> stephen: well, the new show is called "horace and pete" , with louis c.k., and it's a very are interesting way the show has been rolled out, is there's been no previews, no promotions, louis sent e-mails to people and said, "you want a show, give me five bucks." >> only if you subscribe to his web site. >> stephen: exactly. >> most people didn't know it was on, and the people who got the e-mails had no idea. like, there was no advance warning. i can't believe -- >> can we talk about it? is that okay? >> that's all i'm allowed to say. >> stephen: we do have a clip. >> don't watch it! no, okay. >> stephen: you play a cousin.
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>> stephen: and you own a bar that has been around for 100 years and i think you're talking about what it's like to raise kids. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, this is from "horace and pete" . >> i mean, i don't have kids, but it's-- it seems to be fundamental. you just need to make an effort. >> what effort am i not making? i just asked her to move in with me. >> well, that's a grand gesture, but isn't parenting more about, you know, like the everyday things, everyday, small things. you take her to lunch, and you listen to her, one day at a time, and you see what grows. >> you know, pete, you don't have kids, so, maybe-- you know. >> all right, well, i'm just saying. >> maybe don't. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what i love about this show is it's all-- i'm sorry, go ahead. ( applause ) >> i was just going to say, i get killed in that very next shot. no.
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play, on a stage and it's shot like a play. >> you know where we shoot it? we shoot it on 30-- i shouldn't say where we shoot it. people will show up. i'll tell you later. >> stephen: they shoot it in new york city someplace. >> in new york city, but i think you used to shoot your show there. you know where i'm talking about, the grand ballroom. >> stephen: oh, yeah the place where i did the thang one time. >> yes. >> "horace and pete" is available online at >> stephen: "horace and pete" is
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three weeks of non-stop basketball. yes! no! enough attack ads and name calling... yes, that was a foul you jerkface!
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everybody. we're here with our friend steve buscemi. steve, i understand you were born in brooklyn.
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>> so was bernie sanders. is bernie your boy? >> i like bernie but i'm still undecided. >> stephen: do you follow politics in general? >> here's where i'm confused. is trump president already? >> stephen: he sounds like it. they keep on calling him donald j. trump, and generally the president is the only one whose middle initials you hear. on the republican side, i just found out today you have a kind of interesting connection with one of the candidates, governor john kasich of ohio. >> yes, that's true. >> stephen: he wrote a book in 2006. it's called "stand for something." and in the book he spends almost three pages discussing how much he hates the movie far. did you know this? >> yes, try not to think about it. >> stephen: this is true. would you mind reading what governor kasich has to say about
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right there. "i was in my local video store looking for a movie to watch with my wife, karen, during one of our few quiet evenings together at home. the guy behind the counter at blockbuster recommended 'fargo' and assured me it was a great movie and that i should probably rent it. so i did. walked right over to that shelf where they had their general titles, grabbed a copy, and took it home." >> stephen: that's a really exciting amount of detail about that whole process. >> you know, it makes you feel like you're there watching somebody rent a video. >> stephen: it really paints a picture. they go home, watch the movie, continue. >> "when karen and i got to the part where they chop up a guy in eye grinder-- okay, that's me, another spoiler alert. "we looked at each other and thought, what the heck are we watching here? it was graphic and brutal and
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rubbed us in so many wrong ways we had to shut the thing off right there in the middle." >> stephen: he says he eventually led a one-man campaign to get bloc bust tore drop the movie "fargo," to not carry it. >> yeah, he did. as upset as i was by that, i do feel bad whenever anybody, like a viewer, doesn't like my work in any way, or upsets them, so i've taken it upon myself to rectify it. and i have personally financed a film, based on this book. starring me as john kasich. >> stephen: wow. that sounds-- i can't wait to see it. >> well, you don't have to wait, i brought a clip.
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( grinding ) >> excuse me. i'm chairman of the house budget committee john kasich and i demand to speak to the manager! >> stephen: i'll be right with you, sir. i'm just feeding these vhs tapes into our cassette grinder. some of the customers didn't rewind, so i have no choice. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) how may i help you? >> i came in here yesterday looking to for a movie to watch with my wife, karen-- this is
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this garbage! >> stephen: sir, "fargo" is a classic! an oscar winning performance by frances mcdormand and that sort of weird-looking guy who always plays the loser whose name i forget. >> william h. macy. >> stephen: that's the one. >> you assured me it was a great movie, and i should probably rent it. so i did. i walked right over to that shelf where you have the general titles and grabbed a copy and brought it over here and showed you my membership card, and i took the movie home and put it in my vhs player, and it appeared on my television, and i watched it! ( laughter ) ( applause )
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to paint a picture with words. sir, i know you're upset, i understand. i'm going to ask you to tone it down, or i will kick you out of the store using my brand new, bright-orange shoe. >> wow. those are memorable shoes. >> stephen: oh, yes they are. you'd recognize it was me even if you only saw them on my leg sticking out of something. now, please finish your fascinating story. >> my wife and i looked at each other and thought, "what the heck are we watching here?" it rubbed us in so many wrong ways. ( laughter ) i demand that blockbuster take this title off your shelves, or i swear that someday blockbuster will be put out of business! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: sir, sir, sir, excuse me. blockbuster is built on a rock-solid business model of people getting in their cars and driving 30 minutes to find a movie that may or may not
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fee. we will be here forever! ( laughter ) >> we'll see about that! >> stephen: no! no! no! ( grinding sounds )dark. see? people wear their most stylish and glamorous clothes in the dark. people get brave and daring in the dark. bowling is less sad, and making out is much more likely. so if all this good stuff happens in the dark, wouldn't you want a camera that can capture things... the dark? the new galaxy s7 edge
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest has appeared in such films as "in the heart of the sea" and "abraham lincoln: vampire hunter", and he's now starring on broadway in "american psycho." please welcome benjamin walker. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thanks for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: just two guys in suits sitting around. >> hanging out. >> stephen: there is something else we have in common which i did note know about you. it turns out you're southern. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're stellth southern. you're one of those people who you don't find out later are southern. people accuse me of hiding my southernness because i don't
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you don't have an accent, either. >> a bit. when i speak to my mother on the phone it comes out. >> stephen: or get angry or have a drink? >> they all go hand in hand. i love you, mom. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. >> stephen: do you miss it? do you miss it down there? >> i do. >> stephen: where in georgia? >> north of atlanta in carnersville. north of the blue ridge mountain ( applause ). >> stephen: blue rindge mountain fans. we always have a contingent of mountainmen in the back of the audience. >> what was the question. >> stephen: i said-- i asked-- >> that's exactly what i mis, that kind of pace. it can be -- >> slow. >> exactly. can you slow it down for me, please? >> stephen: sure. i was going too fast for you. >> i remember the questioned you just asked me. >> stephen: do you like-- there are certain phrases i like that i miss hearing in the south. >> yeah. >> stephen: like y'all, a lot of people use y'all.
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collective plural of all y'all. >> all y'all. >> stephen: yeah. because all is y'all. of it. do you have any favorite southern phrases or anything like that? >> sure. well, there's one kind of in the same vein. mom-a nim. >> stephen: your mom and them. >> it's say hi to your family but it also incorporates inbreeding. >> stephen: mom-and-them. there's used to could. to could. >> it means i used to be able to, to do, but was actually never really capable of. >> stephen: i used to could. >> i used to could ( bleep ) my lasso and catch me one them rodeo clowns. >> stephen: luckily, that's such a thick accent i'm not sure we have to bleep that. >> yeah. there are some good ones.
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understand this is a favorite word of yours, too-- i like the southern way of saying naked. >> neck-id, which is naked but up to no good. >> stephen: if you say they're naked in there, you say what's going on. but if you say they're neck-id in there you know what's going on in that room. neck-id is almost a word. >> and you take the words together, mom-a them used to go on down there and get next-id. which if you translate means that pig is not for sale. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: there was a tire store-- >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how do you go from this little town in georgia here to starring on broadway and in the movies? how old were you when you started your career? >> well, i moved here to go to college. i went to jewellard, 16, 17
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culture shock. guys? a little juilliard over there. secret handsake or anything? >> yeah. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you have to keep >> that's right. secret. you came up here 17 years old just by yourself from a little town. was it a culture shock at all? >> oh, yeah. the first few years i lived in the ymca. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you see the cowboy or cop. >> a couple of them just wearing leather chaps for no reason. >> stephen: that must have been a little freaky, a teenager living in a ymca. >> i got attacked in the bathroom. and-- yeah, yeah. ewww! >> stephen: keep it light. attacked like someone tried to kill you? >> yeah air, guy tried to strangle me in the bathroom, yeah. welcome to new york! it was kind of my experience. >> stephen: wow! let me ask you something-- did you tell your parents that this had happened? >> i told them much later. >> stephen: sure.
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>> like a week ago. >> yeah, they're finding out right now. ( laughter ) no, i didn't want to worry my mom. >> stephen: sure, of course, not. >> also, because i was so young and kind of so over-stimulated by the city, i just thought i guess this is what new york is like. >> stephen: i'm an actor. i'll use it. >> yeah. >> stephen: speaking of trying to kill somebody, now you're playing in "american psycho." how does one audition to play a psychopath? like, did you hear about it and go, "yeah, i'd like to play a psychotic?" >> actually, it was an offer, which i think is even worse. ( laughter ) i didn't even have to prove that i was crazy. >> stephen: "we thought of you immediately." >> yeah. >> stephen: how do you study it? how does one prepare? did you do a ride-along with a psychotic? did you model it on anyone? >> no. because i kind of subscribe to the theory there's a bit of psychopathy in all of us. that if you could play your
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you're stuck in traffic, for example, it would be horrifying. you say horrible things. but patrick bateman just doesn't have that filter, and there's something about that devilish nature that entices us. we want to see that person and we also want to see them expriez fall. >> stephen: it's a musical and i'm so excited because the cast is here with you and you're all going to do a number from the musical right now for us, right? >> that's right. >> stephen: all right, we'll be right back. when we return a performance by "american psycho." benjamin walker, everybody.
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drop that beat. yea we rocking right now. one time... two times. red lobster's lobsterfest is back. so come try the largest variety of lobster dishes of the year, like lobster lover's dream or new dueling lobster tails. it's a party on every plate, and you're invited. so come in while it lasts. if your family outing is magical for all the wrong reasons. you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec is different than claritin . because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec . muddle no more . you know we said we'd take a look at our retirement plan today.
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for years to come. spruce up your home today with up to 30% savings on hundreds of styles and colors. spring is here. and so are the savings. blinds to go. blinds for life. this is the all-new 2016 chevy malibu. wow, it's nice. let's check it out. do any of you have kids? i do yes. this car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parent's see how their teens are driving. oh, that's smart. it even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car? (laughter) cause that could be useful. this is ahead of what my audi has for sure. wish my beamer had that. i didn't even know that technology existed.
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don't use windex to make windows spotless and clear! go see my big fat greek wedding 2 and learn how to use windex the right way on weird stuff! not on windows! who's got tickets? i do! i'm okay! the gravity here is too strong for my ship. looks like you'll have to spend the night. yeah... the night. (sfx: record scratch) one thing led to another and... i don't think that's how they're made. klondike hooks up with your favorite flavors to bring you... the best ice cream bars ever conceived. you get a cold. you can't breathe through your nose. suddenly, you're a mouthbreather. well, just put on a breathe right strip which instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno?
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did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. the bud light party wasn't invited to the debates. but we don't need them. we have debates of our own every night. a hotdog is a sandwich. over bud lights, of course. it's pronounced jif. you cannot outrun a zebra. here's to good natured civil debates.
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"selling out" benjamin walker and the cast of "american psycho." >> whenever i shower, sometimes twice, sometimes three times a day, i use a honey-almond wash on my ripped body, and an exfoliating spearmint gel on my
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i apply clinique moisturizer and an anti-aging eye-balm before i shave, with a razor and cream by pour hommes. no cologne on the face, ever, as the high alcohol content dries out your skin, and makes you look older. i am 26 years old, living in new york city at the end of the century, and this is what being patrick bateman means to me. the streets are humming i can feel what's coming i say uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh you see me gliding but there's something hiding in the shadow, shadow, shadow i may be dealing with a nameless feeling uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh
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that i look amazing so i don't know, don't know, don't know i want it all uh-oh the next transaction come on, sell it out uh-oh you're my next distraction come on baby sell it out there's a race we're running to the break down coming we say uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh we look expensive but we're apprehensive cause we don't know, don't know, don't know do you think i'm saying we should all start praying no-no, no-no, no-no we're not complaining cause the cash keeps raining so i don't know,
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i want it all uh-oh the next transaction come on sell it out uh-oh a chain reaction come on baby sell it out i feel it in my heart that it's all about to start but i don't know, don't know, don't know everything i'm telling you is a dream i'm selling you uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh you bought it all uh-oh bought it, bought it even when we were selling out uh-oh bought it, bought it even when we were selling out uh-oh
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even when we were selling out uh-oh bought it, bought it even when we were selling out uh-oh bought it, bought it even when we were selling out uh-oh bought it, bought it ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "american psycho" is now in previews and opens april 21. we'll be right back. i'm chris bosh. when i was sidelined with blood clots in my lung, it was serious. fortunately, my doctor had a game plan. treatment with xarelto . hey guys! hey, finally, somebody i can look up to... ...besides arnie. xarelto is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots.
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to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there's limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. you know, i tried warfarin, but the blood testing and dietary restrictions... don't get me started on that. i didn't have to. we started on xarelto . nice pass. safety first. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. while taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. xarelto may increase your sk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. xarelto can cause serious, and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. if you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto , watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. before starting xarelto , tell your doctor about any kidney, liver, or bleeding problems. you know xarelto
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that's a big win. it is for me. with xarelto there is no regular blood monitoring and no known dietary strictions. treatment with xarelto . ...was the right move for us.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in monday when my guests will be matthew perry, nick offerman, and a musical performance by "explosions in the sky." good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: are you ready


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