Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 22, 2018 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

11:35 pm
oh, come on late show with stephen colbert is next. next newscast is tomorrow at ♪ i've been undone long before you 4:30. >> have a great night. we'll see you tomorrow. ♪ i've been undone long before you ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's beautiful. transviolet, everybody! we'll be right back.
11:36 pm
>> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, lyin' ted's new nickname. plus, stephen welcomes... sarah silverman. scott bakula. and a musical guest, transviolet. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: how are ya?!
11:37 pm
going great! right on! beautiful. thank you so much! thanks, everybody! please have a seat, sit down! thank you very much! welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) let me ask you something -- do you feel lucky? >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: well, do you, punk? i hope so, because tomorrow night the mega millions drawing is for a record $1.6 billion. warning, california. that has caught my attention. a handful of billionaires have spent over $70 million on campaigns to undermine our public schools. ( laughter ) and electing a former wall street banker normally, i don't even get outei named marshall tuck to superintendent dollars. of public instruction is all a part ( laughter ) of the billionaires' plan unless there's pancakes, and a to take money away from neighborhood public schools billion dollars. and give it to their corporate charter schools. but don't get too excited about winning this thing. that's why tony thurmond is the only candidate endorsed because, i'm winning it. by classroom teachers for superintendent of public instruction. yeah. i got the winning ticket right because keeping our kids safe and improving our neighborhood here. oh, they claim your chances are public schools roughly one-in-300 million. is always tony's top priority.
11:38 pm
sure, which is why i bought two. ( laughter ) okay? it's a show-in. ( cheers and applause ) now, i know what you're thinking, you're saying thanks very much! >> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests ( applause ) got two! will be the guys from "pod save save your tickets. america" and charlamagne tha i know what you're thinking, !o ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) you're saying "stephen, whenever there's a prize this big, somebody else wins, too, and then you got to captioning sponsored by cbs split it and you don't get as much." i have a system. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( laughter ) i got two tickets with the same numbers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) think about it. think about it, okay? think about it. ♪ are you ready y'all that way, i split it with me. to have some fun don't play these numbers, you're on your honor. and i'm a pretty lucky guy. ♪ feel the love tonight how do you think i got this show? i won it in a dice game against don't you worry 'bout john dickerson. ♪ where it is you come from ( laughter ) it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show and if it wasn't for that >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, speaking of the nation, this
11:39 pm
one, this afternoon trump flew down to texas to hold a rally for lyin' ted cruz. on his way there, he stopped off for chopper talk. and reporters asked trump about attacking cruz's family during the 2016 primaries. >> do you regret implying that ted cruz's dad killed j.f.k.? >> i don't regret anything honestly. it all worked out, very nicely. ( laughter ) >> stephen: (as trump) "it all worked out, and i won, and ted cruz's dad never killed again. ( laughter ) although, i'm hearing troubling reports he was seen at that consulate in istanbul a few weeks ago." ( laug ) trump is so close to cruz now, he even pretended to unveil a new nickname for him. >> to me, he's not lyin' ted anymore. he's b >> stephen: oh ye yeah, beautiful
11:40 pm
"so beautiful. come to think of it, his father didn't kill j.f.k., he had sex with j.f.k. ( laughter ) beautiful, beautiful sex." beautiful ted? really? somewhere, ted nugent is weeping over his assault rifle. "i thought i was beautiful ted. wango-sad-o." ( laughter ) and there's more random cruelty from the trump administration. this time, they spun the "wheel of discrimination" and landed on transgender. 'cause we learned of a new trump plan in which they would narrowly define gender as a biological condition determined by genitalia at birth, which means that transgender people could be defined out of existence. you can't just re-define something to make it go away. i learned that the hard way, when i tried to convince everyone in high school my nickname "skidmark" was because of all the cool driving moves i did. ( laughter )
11:41 pm
the trump administration is writing new guidelines that say gender should be defined "on a biological basis that is clear, grounded in science." oh, now you care about science? ( laughter ) wow! how convenient! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: talking about climate change, he wasn't worried about it. >> stephen: (as trump) "i haven't reviewed the science on climate change. but i am very interested in what science has to say about baby junk." ( laughter ) it's just a proposal, but, right now, if it's enacted, discrimination against trans people would be okayed across government agencies, including the departments of education, justice, health and human services, and labor. but not the department of agriculture, where the policy continues to be: "anything goes, just don't hump the corn." ( laughter )
11:42 pm
farmers are lonely. they're lonely. farmersonly.com. ( laughter ) look -- gender is clearly a spectrum, okay. for instance, i identify as a man, but it's a little fluid. i enjoy getting my hands dirty and repairing boats, but then again, my favorite book is about elves and jewelry. ( laughter ) of course, the big international story is still the obvious murder of journalist jamal khashoggi in the saudi consulate in turkey, where he went to obtain documents for his wedding. on saturday, after weeks of stonewalling, the saudi government finally admitted khashoggi was dead and claimed that "a quarrel broke out and escalated to a fatal fistfight." adding, and if you don't buy that, how about he tripped down some extremely pointy stairs? ( laughter ) saudi arabia's excuses are so lame, they're being doubted by even the most gullible people, .
11:43 pm
he said, "obviously there's been deception, and there's been lies." (as trump) "but enough about me." ( laughter ) ( applause ) the saudis are pretty bad, too. the saudis, i'm shot clock -- i'm shocked. i'm shocked. even while admitting the saudis have lied to him, trump tried to keep the heat off saudi crown prince and man just learning that turkey has security cameras, mohammad bin salman, saying, (as trump) "nobody has told me he's responsible. nobody has told me he's not responsible. we haven't reached that point. i would love if he wasn't responsible." ( laughter ) that's a nice, unbiased investigation. it's like an n.f.l. referee announcing, "the play is under further review. i would love it if it's a touchdown. i got a lot of money on this game. go bears!" ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
11:44 pm
is this on? now, all along, trump has insisted he doesn't want to cancel the weapons deal with saudi arabia because he's protecting american jobs. how many jobs? you won't believe how many. >> i believe it's the largest order ever made. it's 450,000 jobs. it's 500,000 jobs-- american jobs. it is 500,000 jobs. which means 600,000 jobs. 600,000 jobs; maybe more than that. i think it's over a million jobs. >> stephen: (as trump) "did i say a million? i mean a billion. i mean, a nathan-fillion. a silmarillion.everyby in htoryr raytheon now. you're welcome!" ( cheers and applause ) of course, a prince william! of course, some liberals on thee
11:45 pm
they hang out. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: some liberals on the internet are trying to downplay the saudi arms deal, saying that, at best, it is "potentially supporting tens of thousands of new jobs." what left wing blog did we get that stat from? whitehouse.gov. ( laughter ) or as trump put it: "fake news from the failing white house." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) (as trump) i don't trust those guys, i don't. of course, it's sometimes fun to catch the smaller stories that slip through the news cracks. here's a fun one: we might be closer to nuclear war. because, on saturday, trump announced that the u.s. will withdraw from a nuclear arms treaty with russia. is this because of "creed ii"? ( laughter ) "this one is for apollo." the deal trump wants to pull out of is the 1987 intermediate-range nuclear forces treaty that was signed by ronald reagan and mikhail gorbachev. so trump is reopening a 30-year
11:46 pm
old confrontation. the '80s are back, baby! ( cheering ) yeah! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: that was trump's heyday! >> jon: that's it right there! >> stephen: when trump was trump. (as trump) "hey everyone, we're bringing back nuclear standoffs with russia. now if you'll excuse me, i got to pound this mcd.l.t. before my hot date with ms. pac-man." ( laughter ) and trump picked a strange forum to announce he was pulling out of a major international agreement: a campaign rally in nevada. >> russia violated the agreement. we're not going to let them violate a nuclear agreement and go out and do weapons and we're not allowed to. >> stephen: "do weapons"? ( laughter ) what the hell was that mean? you can't do weapons. it's not lunch, or dallas. ( laughter ) now, you might be saying, "stephen, i don't want to get vaporized in a thermonuclear war as much as the next guy, but at
11:47 pm
least trump finally did something putin wouldn't like." oh, what simple arguments you have, made up person. because putin likes it. in fact, "moscow proposed a joint termination of the treaty in 2007 so it could deploy intermediate-range missiles in its south and east to counter iran, pakistan, and china." that proposal was rejected, in part because george w. bush never paid prostitutes to pee on a bed. ( cheering ) ( piano riff ) allegedly. we don't know. we don't know. he seems like fun. trump's decision has been panned by former soviet president and e who said, the move is not the work of a great mind. thank you. thank you.
11:48 pm
( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) i believe mikhail gorbachev has just won his second nobel prize for "outstanding achievement in d'uh." we've got a great show for you tonight. sarah silverman is here. but when we return, trump has a new strategy for the midterms: make stuff up. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) alexa, play weekend mix. e neoln mk so you can move through both a little easier.
11:49 pm
introducing the well-connected 2019 lincoln mkc. oh, mianother dilemma.kfast, am i willing to pay the price for loving you? you'll make my morning, but ruin my day. complicated relationship with milk? pour on the lactaid. it's delicious 100% real milk, just without that annoying lactose. mmm, that's good. lactaid. the real milk that doesn't mess with you. and for chocolate lovers, try rich, creamy lactaid chocolate milk. breathe right strips are designed to simply when nighttime nasal congestion closes in, open your nose right back up. ♪ breathe better. sleep better. breathe right. ♪ charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever.
11:50 pm
charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! for just fifteen ninety-nine at red lobster. you get all the shrimp you want, any way you want them. and now savory parmesan shrimp scampi is back! new sesame-ginger shrimp is here, too. but hurry in, endless shrimp ends november eighteenth. i am totally blind. and non-24 can throw my days and nights out of sync,
11:51 pm
keeping me from the things i love to do. talk to your doctor, and call 844-214-2424.
11:52 pm
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: that band, right
11:53 pm
there, give it up for that band right there! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hotter than july! >> stephen: whoo! y'all are hotter than july tonight. >> jon: right on, right on. >> stephen: you know what else is hotter than july right now and that is the sales of "whose boat is this boat?: comments that don't help in the aftermath of a hurricane." for those of you who do not know, we have the number one book right now. this is all things written by donald j. trump accidentally. every word in this is things trump said down in north carolina, real life. we made it into a wonderful children's book if you would like to teach your children empathy by process of elimination. ( laughter ) we're trading off the book thee. don't know. i know who we knocked off last week was tucker carlson's book
11:54 pm
called "ship of fools." ( cheers and applause ) he sold a ton of them. i said it last week, i'll say it again tonight -- i take no pleasure in that because we have learned tucker carlson is also donating all the money -- all his proceeds from his book to charity. you're a good man, tucker. thank you so much for doing that. ( cheers and applause ) we can disagree with each other, but we can get together on good things like h helping people, we should get together on those things, you know what i mean? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah, everybody can agree with that. we've all got of course, two weeks from tomorrow, america will be holding the midterms. go vote. no excuses, go vote. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: got tobeere at 11:35, we here live from the ed sullivan theater. some are calling it "the most important election of our lifetimes." and what many liquor stores are
11:55 pm
calling, "the reason we're staying open for an extra hour." ( laughter ) democrats are presently ahead in the polls, but president trump-- ( cheers ) president trump is employing the same winning strategy as of 2016: racism and lying. on the racism front, there's this huge group of immigrants from honduras who are walking with their children across mexico. and trump has brought this group up a couple of times. >> democrats want caravans. they like the caravans. you look at what's pouring over in these caravans. i think some bad people started that caravan. you have some very tough criminal elements within the caravan. it's going to be an election of "the caravan," you know what i'm talking about. >> stephen: yeah, we know what you're talking about. you're not being subtle. it's not a dog whistle, that's a dog trombone! ( as trump ) "look, the 'brown people' are coming to 'steal your jobs' and 'murder your families' if you
11:56 pm
catch my drift." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) and today trump kicked it up a notch, hinting that there might be even scarier elements hiding in the caravan. ( as trump ) "sadly, it looks like mexico's police and military are unable to stop the caravan heading to the southern border of the united states. criminals and unknown middle easterners are mixed in." ( booing ) he's just-- he's just stuffing all the fears into one burrito of doom. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: ( as trump ) "look, it's got hispanics, middle easterners, gay spiders, hillary's emails, colin kaepernick, and that one dream where you're naked in eight grade taking a science test you didn't study for." ( laughter ) he continued: "i have alerted border patrol and military that this is a national emergy." ( laughter )
11:57 pm
( applause ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: now that's scary. >> jon: emergy? >> stephen: it's an emergy. >> jon: wow, i've never heard of that. >> stephen: it's a national emergy, jon. ermagerd, it's an emergy! ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ermagerd! it kind of looks-- it kind of looks like her. what was the original draft of this tweet? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) we'll be right back with sarah everthing you need is inside. a key that unlocks your childhood dreamland. ♪ childhood magic. we have a fragrance for that. the holiday collection by glade®.
11:58 pm
sc johnson. a family company. and see disney's the nutcracker and the four realms in theatres november 2. and see disney's the nutcracker and the four realms stop fearing your alarm clock... with zzzquil pure zzzs. a drug-free blend of botanicals with melatonin that supports your natural sleep cycle so you can seize the morning. zzzquil pure zzzs. essential for the cactus, but maybe not for people with rheumatoid arthritis. because there are options. like an "unjection™". xeljanz xr. a once-daily pill for adults with moderate to severe ra for whom methotrexate did not work well enough. xeljanz xr can reduce pain, swelling and further joint damage, even without methotrexate. xeljanz xr can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections, lymphoma and other cancers have happened. don't start xeljanz xr if you have an infection. tears in the stomach or intestines, low blood cell counts and higher liver tests and cholesterol levels have happened. your doctor should perform blood tests before you start
11:59 pm
and while taking xeljanz xr, and monitor certain liver tests. tell you doctor if you were in a region where fungal infections are common and if you have had tb, hepatitis b or c, or are prone to infections. needles. fine for some things. but for you, one pill a day may provide symptom relief. ask your doctor about xeljanz xr. an "unjection™". ask your doctor ♪ if you love me,xr. love♪ like you say ♪ darling tell me all the ways ♪ ♪ tell me all the ways ♪ all the ways at the store, or to your door. target run and done. thea better time to try oureen sprint network. because right now you can get unlimited for just $24 per month per line for five lines. it includes hulu and mobile hotspot. we need to shout this deal from the rooftops. yeahhh. sprint's new unlimited plan. best deal ever! and it's all on the network built for unlimited. (avo) switch to sprint unlimited for just $24 per month per line for five lines.
12:00 am
and for a limited time get the lg v40 thinq for people with hearing loss, for just $20 per month. visit sprintrelay.com.
12:01 am
>> stephen: yeah. thank you, john. hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show." my first guest is a very funny stand-up comedian and host of the show "i love you, america."
12:02 am
please welcome, sarah silverman! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi ya! hi ya! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> and you. >> stephen: i'm so glad to have you back on the show. we were a couple of weeks into the show when we started. >> you've really worked out the kinks. >> stephen: we really have. yes! >> stephen: it's all business, i like the vest. >> just if case somebody didn't know i was a female comedian, i wanted to wear -- >> stephen: is that part of the uniform? do they hand that to you when you walk into the club on the first day. >> i don't know what comes first, the love of menswear or the being a woman comedian. it's a little inside baseball joke, you guys are very hip to
12:03 am
it ( laughter ) >> stephen: i didn't know you were from new hampshire. >> you didn't? >> stephen: no. nobody does. you're not from new hampshire. where do you get tax-free booze? >> (inaudible). i lost interest. >> stephen: legally, every late show has to have one person from each state. >> new hampshire is very protestant, very christian? >> stephen: it's granite. it's very granite. >> it's the granite state. >> stephen: rock ribbed. we thought jewish meant being a democrat because that's just how we were different. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) >> and, you know, looking back, all my friends' parents -- who, of course, are much younger man i am now, looking back -- they would say, are you from new york? i said, what's new york?
12:04 am
i'm from here! but then i moved from new york when i was 18 and i thought, oh, i am from new york. ( laughter ) i love them at no fault from theirs because they're just from new hampshire and that's where they're from. when you're from new hampshire you think juice are from new york. >> stephen: a lot of people are afraid of new york. when did you come here? >> right. '89. >> stephen: still scared? it's more like '90. alphabet city was alphabet city. >> stephen: sure, heroin or us. ( laughter ) >> i remember my friend jake and his brother ruben, his 10-year-old brother was visiting us, and we bought a dimebag on avenue a, and the drug dealer asked his little brother ruben, how old are you? he said, ten. he said, okay, i wouldn't sell it to you if you were eight. >> stephen: that's sweet. ( laughter )
12:05 am
>> but he didn't smoke pot. >> stephen: very conscientious of the dealer. >> yeah. we need that in corporations. a little corporate responsiblability. >> stephen: yeah, i'm poisoning your water, how old are you? ( laughter ) >> i love new york, even when people scream at each other on the street, it feels sibling, you know. i used to pass out flyers. >> stephen: for what? the boston comedy club on the corner of mcdougall and third, and many things happened to me there. i worked there every day from 4:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m., and -- >> stephen: not at the club, just passing out flyers? >> on the corners, live comedy, live comedy, live comedy. and one time, a homeless man i feel was maybe a veteran of some kind just started walking toward me and i was, like, live comedy? and he just started strangling
12:06 am
me and people immediately pulled him off me. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: it beats the option. >> the last day i worked there, i got -- i was trying to break up a fight between a drunk, you know, probably 19-year-old, a gaggle of guys and the pluck you chicken. there was a chicken place called pluck you, and we shared the corner, and they were spilling their beer on the chicken and bullying him. i got in between, not because i'm brave. i think it was sexist of me. i didn't think anyone -- he punched me square in the temple, knocked mte: e chn? therun guys unconscious. >> stephen: wow. was this supposed to be your last day or did you decide in that moment it was your last
12:07 am
day? >> ironically it was supposed to be my last day. i have been punched in the face a few times, and this one unconscious. but when i came to, there were new yorkers all around me, and it feels like care. ( laughter ) and i also think -- you know. >> stephen: so far, your two happiest stories of new york was i was strangled but not to death. >> yeah, i mean -- >> stephen: and when i came to, people had stopped punching me. >> yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i love the premise of your show, which is going into its second season now or third season? >> well, neither but we have been calling it season two, but if you look on,'s sil seas oe. but it's like part two of season one. you know, i don't know how they do these things. >> stephen: it's called i love you america. >> yeah. >> stephen: and how are you loving america? >> well, like all love, it can be a struggle. ( laughter )
12:08 am
and i believe in it, i want it to be the best it can be, i get disappointed in it, i get angry at it, i get moved by america, i feel patriotic, i feel a sibling kind of love, i feel a parental kind of love, i feel a child kind of love, and also it annoys me. ( laughter ) but, you know, i don't know. is that the answer to the question? ( laughter ) >> stephen: your answer is the answer. we have a clip here that is -- it's you talking to lady liberty, i think. >> i get sad about the state of immigration, so i go talk to my girl, the statue of liberty played by myia rudolph. >> stephen: and she's got a french accent. >> yeah, she's from france. mtv stands for music
12:09 am
television, huh? >> you want some? oooh, don't mind if i do. hey, if you don't cough, you don't get off, am i right? >> yep. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i see what you were doing there. very vogue. you say you take inspiration from mr. rogers. why does mr. rogers inspire you in something like this? >> i mean, mr. rogers is maybe my number one. he's right up there with phil pl donnahue and jesus. >> stephen: the holy trinity of television. >> yeah. mr. rogers taught me so much. what was important to mr. rogers was helping children transition
12:10 am
from each kind of stage of their lives. he felt that that was important that adults do that. and i watched him when i was little, but then i really watched him again when i was a teenager. it would always be on before school. it blew my mind then. i go, i saw it in a whole new way. i was, like, whoa! then as an adult again. i just think the things he teaches that there's nobody else that can be you, no one else in the world is qualified to be you but you, and you deserve love exactly the way that you are, and -- ( applause ) thank you. i made that up. no, it's mr. rogers. >> stephen: now, does america deserve love exactly the way it is? >> um, well, yes and no. i think, individually, i go and i meet people who are very different minded than myself, and even if we don't change each other's minds, which i tend not
12:11 am
to, i always leave there loving them, and i think them me. if you can just bond on any level and see ourselves in each other, then that's the only way that we -- the administration now, what behooves them is division. that's what they want. they want division and fear and all these things, and, so, we have to defy that in a bipartisan way. ( cheers and applause ) i'm talking out of my ass 100 percent, but -- >> stephen: new episodes of "i love you, america" are available on huhly! sarah silverman, everybody! right back with scott bakula! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
12:12 am
test. t i'm home. hey, dinner. a lot happens on your wooden surfaces. luckily, no one cleans and kills germs better than clorox disinfecting wipes. now in an easy to pull pack. (guard) whacontrolled fury.... freakish intelligence. wicked seduction. these endeavors will rattle your soul... and challenge the contents of your stomach. if that sounds dramatic... it is.
12:13 am
emesred,reenisheme. ytesantioxidants, plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good every day?
12:14 am
emerge and see. ♪ like a big pizza pie, ♪ that's amore. ♪ when the world seems... ♪ applebee's new neighborhood pastas. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. janice, mom told me you bought a house. okay. [ buttons clicking ] [ camera shutter clicks ] so, now that you have a house, you can use homequote explorer. quiet. i'm blasting my quads. janice, look. i'm in a meeting. -janice, look. -[ chuckles ] -look, look. -i'm looking. it's easy. you just answer some simple questions online, and you get coverage options to choose from. you're ruining my workout. cycling is my passion.
12:15 am
12:16 am
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: you again! hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show." my next guest is a golden globe-winning actor you know from "quantum leap," "star trek: enterprise," and "ncis: new orleans." please welcome back to "the late show," scott bakula! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
12:17 am
>> very good! >> stephen: i understand you celebrated a birthday. >> i did. upwhen i'm 64! >> stephen: oh, that's a big one. >> it is a big one. >> stephen: i'm sorry i missed it. what date is it? >> october 9. >> stephen: that's great. that's my anniversary. >> seriously? >> stephen: yeah, just did 25 years. >> john lennon's birthday, also. 25 years. >> stephen: 64 years, that's amazing! ( laughter ) did you do anything to celebrate it? >> i survived it. >> stephen: okay, good. good. >> no, i was in l.a., which was great, which i'm usually -- >> stephen: you live there now? >> no, i'm in new orleans, but i had a couple of days off so i'm actually in my own bed with my own wife and that was pretty great. >> stephen: that's a good plan. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's an excellent plan if you want to live to be 65. ( laughter ) >> i hadn't thought about that when i said that but thank you
12:18 am
for bailing me out and not calling attention to it. >> stephen: no problem at all. are you enjoying 64? >> yeah, you know, age -- i had to get a new license, right, because there's a thing in l.a. where you have to get a real i.d., you have to give your thumb print and it's a whole new thing to fly in two years. >> stephen: you have to go out there and they scan your thing and -- >> yeah, the whole deal, right. so it's a new higher tech. >> stephen: to drive? no, to fly in l.a. >> stephen: oh. o after 2020, you can't use your regular old license to board an airplane, south another layer of security. >> stephen: okay. o you can't get an appointment at the d.m.v. in california. i don't know how it is here but it's impossible. so i drive an hour and a half to go to oxnard to get this thing. my assistant filled out the forms ahead of time. i didn't do it, but i got there. ( laughter ) i'm not swift with the online stuff. so i get out there and she hands me the form, i had a
12:19 am
10:00 appointment, she took me at 10:08, and i thought this is going great. i get the thing, make sure the information is correct. the name, age is correct, date of birth, sex is correct -- well, maybe that's all going to change soon. ( laughter ) but we have m.f., we'll all just have m.f. that's another story. so i get to weight -- i'm a little thinner than i used to be. i let that go. i'm going to get in and out. so i'm rushing. eye color green, great. then i get to hair, and it says brown. and i have a hat on. so i add that moment in life where i'm thinking i wonder if i could still go with the brown hair thing. so i asked the lady, right? i said, because i'm worried it's going to take time to change it. so i take my hat off and i say, what do you think? what do you think my hair is? what color? she said, grey.
12:20 am
so i said, okay. so change the grey and thank you very much. and she said, by the way,'re are your 18 questions for your test. good luck. >> stephen: 18 questions? i said, whoa, nobody told me about a test. she said, i'm telling you now. >> stephen: do they spring them on you on purpose? what's the upcapital of nebraska? >> it's not omaha. >> stephen: it's lincoln. i know. so now i'm petrified because i don't want to drive to oxnard again if i flunked the stupid test and when's the last time you studied anything for a drivers test? 18 questions, multiple choice. the legal amount of alcohol you can have in your system is .01, .05, .08 where you're considered legally under influence, what's the answer? >> stephen: .01. that's what i said. you're wrong.
12:21 am
yes, .08. >> stephen: that's a lot of booze. >> that's a lot of booze. >> stephen: you can party in california. >> yeah, and if you weigh a certain amount, it's even less. it's a so i missed that and now i'm starting to panic. veo mecal co, if you find out that affects your ability to drive, you should, a, contact the d.m.v., b, contact your doctor, c, contact your insurance agent. >> stephen: contact your lawyer before you answer any more questions. ( laughter ) question is it? >> what do you think it is? >> stephen: i think d.m.v. you got that one right. >> stephen: okay. i said insurance. >> stephen: i know more than scott bakula. >> yeah, you do. >> stephen: did you fail? no, those are the only two i missed. but i was terrified. >> stephen: you're allowed just to get 16 out of 18? >> what's wrong with that? >> stephen: i want the people i'm driving with to be perfect at all times.
12:22 am
>> oh, yeah. >> stephen: 16 out of 18 times i go driving, everything is great. two out of 18 when i'm a maniac out there. ( laughter ) you just celebrated an important milestone, 100 episodes of "ncis: new orleans." ( cheers and applause ) four and a half years? >> yeah. >> stephen: 100th episode is tomorrow night. this is the lovely celebration. >> yes, it was a big celebration with a big-ass cake. >> stephen: you've done a ton of shows before. you must have hit 100 before. >> no, this is my first time and i was very superstitious. "quantum leap" 97. "star trek: enterprise" 98. i'm gettg nervous.se00 and here comes hurricane gordon, seriously, up the gulf of mexico, heading straight for new orleans, and i think, really? really? the studio's going to blow away, there will be a giant flood and
12:23 am
i'll never get to 100. >> stephen: but you made it. yeah, hurricane gordon turned and went to the east and we avoided the hurricane, i got to 100, and it's pretty cool after all these years in the business to get to is hundred. you don't always do that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to see you again. "ncis: new orleans" airs tuesdays at 10:00 on cbs. scott bakula, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by transviolet. caus. but we still had to have a cigarette. had to. but then, we were like. what are we doing? the nicodermcq patch helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. nicodermcq. you know why, we know how.
12:24 am
i am totally blind. and non-24 can make me show up too early... or too late. or make me feel like i'm not really "there." talk to your doctor, and call 844-234-2424. i'm not picking it up. you pick it up!
12:25 am
i'm not picking it up. i'll pick it up! they're clean! ♪'cuz my hiney's clean.♪ ♪oh yeah i'm charmin clean.♪ charmin ultra strong just cleans better. enjoy the go with charmin. new aveeno® cracked skintell you cica ointment. what to wear. with shea butter and triple oat complex. for fast relief and a protective barrier for lasting relief. wear what you love, aveeno®.
12:26 am
12:27 am
( cheers and applause )( band p) i'm captain obvious and hotels.com rewards me basically everywhere. so why am i doing goat yoga at this mountain resort? because hotels.com lets me do me. ahhh. the smell of goat. hotels.com. you do you and get rewarded. from the start, the c-class was ahead of its time. [ indistinct radio chatter ] still, we never stopped making it stronger.
12:28 am
faster. smarter. because to be the best, is to never ever stop making it better. introducing the new c-class. visit your local mercedes-benz dealer for exclusive offers. ♪ al♪ tell me all the ways s♪♪ and he said ♪ ♪ girl, you take care of me ♪ ♪ you are my thera♪y ♪ the better half of me ♪ say it again ♪ ♪ if you love me ,love me, love me ♪ like you say ♪ ♪ darling tell me all the ways ♪ tell me all the ways ♪ now, we're bringing you all the ways to get what you need. target run & done. take prilosec otc and take control of heartburn. so you don't have to stash antacids here... here... or, here. kick your antacid habit with prilosec otc. one pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn.
12:29 am
12:30 am
>> stephen: and now performing "undo" from their album "valley," ladies and gentlemen, transviolet! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i always find the most creative ways to destroy myself ♪ yeah, i can tear me down better than anybody else ♪ i don't need your help, i don't need your help ♪ you've been pouring gasoline in your living room ♪ light a cigarette, while you complain about the fumes ♪ who are you to talk? who are you to talk?
12:31 am
♪ who are you to talk? ♪ you're so shook when i catch on fire ♪ so surprised when i have an answer ♪ guess no one told you, now i told you ♪ we're not living in the '40s ain't it weird when i'm thinking stuff? ♪ oh, come on, just say something ♪ no, go ahead tell me, what do i need? n the u undo ♪ i'm not the kind of girl you undo ♪ oh, come on, oh, come on i've been undone long before you ♪ you can't tie your favorite noose around my neck
12:32 am
♪ cut me down when i turn blue and act like i'm the wreck ♪ i don't need your help i don't need your help ♪ i don't need your help ♪ you're so shook when i look right past yousuridon't get an answer ♪ guess no one told you, now i told you ♪ we're not living in the '40s ain't it weird to feel small 'n stuff? ♪ oh, come on, just say something ♪ no, go ahead tell me, what do i need? ♪ i'm not the kind of girl you undo ♪ i'm not the kind of girl you undoohcomen
12:33 am
i've been undone long before you ♪ you'v ♪ steppin' into hades while you're calling out my name ♪ i won't follow you ♪ oh, come on make this easy ♪ oh, come on just say something ♪ oh, come on just say something ♪ no, go ahead tell me, what do i need? ♪ i'm not the kind of girl you undo ♪
12:34 am
12:35 am
12:36 am
12:37 am

343 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on