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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 19, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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streaming. think you for watching tonight. i am ama daetz. dan: >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- rachel brosnahan. eric andre. and music from damon albarn. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you. thank you. oh, very nice. i appreciate it. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. one year ago today, donald trump was still in the white house. throwing chicken nuggets at the tv. [ laughter ] one year from today, he could be in jail. according to documents filed by the attorney general in new york
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last night, they have uncovered evidence that indicates the trump organization repeatedly engaged in "fraudulent or misleading" practices. the walls appear to be closing in on trump. big, beautiful walls. [ laughter ] mexico's like, "let us know if you need us to chip in, muchachos!" [ laughter ] but when you look at this and think about this the president -- you have to say, this is shocking. who could have ever predicted? i mean, of all things, fraud? >> president-elect donald trump settling with students who had claimed trump university was fraudulent. >> jimmy: donald trump? [ laughter ] >> found mr. trump and his father built their fortune by engaging in a, quote, pattern of deception and obfuscation. >> jimmy: i mean, not this family. [ laughter ] >> the siblings set up a sham corporation to disguise millions of dollars in gifts. >> jimmy: who would have ever thought that -- >> prosecutors say that for at least 15 years, the trump organization paid top executives off the books. >> jimmy: that donald j. trump?
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>> it was a classic bait and switch scheme, it was a scam starting with the fact that it was not a university. >> jimmy: a man who has given so much to so many? >> a federal judge is ordering president trump to pay $2 million to a series of nonprofit organizations. >> jimmy: would do anything to cheat the very people who love him most? >> donald trump is under fire for conning over $100 million from his most loyal supporters. >> jimmy: i just don't know where this comes from, you know? [ laughter ] it's just out of the blue. but it's a fairly straightforward case. if you find fraud in a business, you just have to look for the signs. particularly at the signs at the top of the building and say "trump" on them. [ laughter ] you will find it there. there's where you will find his male pattern fraudness. in washington the subpoenas are flowing. they were like oprah with a lot full of pontiacs yesterday. "you get a subpoena! you get a subpoena!" the house select committee, looking into the attack on the capitol last january 6th, issued subpoenas for trump's former attorney rudy giuliani, his
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future former daughter in-law kimberly guilfoyle, and his dopey son, eric. the committee wants to know exactly how much eric doesn't know. and i'm sure that is a lot. [ laughter ] they would like to see his phone records. when the committee originally took possession of eric's phone, it turned out to be a banana. [ laughter ] dad gave it to him for christmas and told him it was an iphone 12. now they want the electric one. the house is looking into what went down in the so-called "trump war room" meeting, led by giuliani, at the willard hotel. so they issued a subpoena for giuliani. when is which is unnecessary. all they need to do is say his name three times in a mirror and he will appear. he says it's all political theater. even if he does show up to answer questions from the committee, he's just going to lie. because that's what he does. he's a liar. he lies about things he doesn't even need to lie about. listen to this. back in september, he showed up to a 9/11 dinner and claims he'd rejected a knighthood from the queen of england. because if you accept a
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knighthood, you lose your united states citizenship. >> i turned down a knighthood because you had to lose your citizenship. >> jimmy: there are a few things about this clip that aren't true. first of all, the chiron. he's billed as host common sense podcast, instead of dildo store goblin, so that's number one. [ laughter and applause ] number two, the part about turning down a knighthood because you lose your citizenship if you don't, dozens of americans have been knighted, including steven spielberg, bill gates, bob hope, president bush, all of whom remained american citizens. none had to leave the country. you know who else was knighted? two mayors of new york. mike bloomberg was knighted. before that? you ready for this? [ laughter ] he was. he was knighted! here's the video from right after the ceremony happened. >> she congratulated me. on my leadership during a very horrible time. she said it must have been hard
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and awful. she said that she had watched a lot of what happened and what i had done. and that she wanted to express her admiration. >> jimmy: there he was with a little chocolate cake on his head. [ laughter ] why would you lie about this? [ applause ] i mean, why would you -- i'll tell you why, because he lies about everything. and by the way, according to british law, the queen can revoke your knighthood if she wants to. she took it away from one creepy, balding, sweaty liar. and she can jolly well do it again if she wants. how do you not know you got knighted? if i was rudy giuliani, i'd use this as my defense. when the committee member asks "did you help coordinate the attack on the capitol?" i would just say, i don't know, i don't even remember being knighted by the queen. [ laughter ] earlier tonight, the supreme court rejected trump's attempt to keep documents related to the events leading up to the insurrection a secret. which clears the way for the committee to go through more than 700 documents they haven't seen. hopefully something will come of it. i tell you what. we have covid, we have flu.
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the only disease we haven't caught yet is donald trump. [ laughter and applause ] president biden today gave his first press conference in a long time. and it went on for a long time. it may be still going. for almost two hours, biden took question after question about russia, covid, voter rights. he really got into why the denny's breakfast menu is so sticky all the time. [ laughter ] in his opening remarks, the president said there is "no cause for panic." whenever i hear there's no cause for panic, i panic. [ laughter ] i hadn't even thought about panicking until he told me there was no cause for it. but he was optimistic. overall. he said we're going to see more change in the next ten years than we've ever seen. and he's been keeping that change in a mason jar in the trunk of his model t. [ laughter ] the president took a lot of questions, too many questions. you know how at the end of most press conferences, the reporters are yelling "mr. president, mr. president!" at the end of this one, they were like, "goodbye. we're good." [ laughter ] it was a big day for joe.
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in new york, this happened yesterday. madame tussauds unveiled their new wax figures of the president and the vice president. you can see they did quite a good job. probably the first time a wax figure appears more lifelike than the person they based on. they built him back better. [ laughter ] you can see young people in particular were pretty excited about it. and by the way, if you want your own waxy joe, you can buy a candle of his head on amazon for 15 bucks. smells like hard candy and ben-gay. [ laughter ] things are looking up, at least according to the ceo of pfizer. who predicts we could see a "return to normal life" by spring. he didn't say which spring. [ laughter ] 2033? maybe, i don't know. my neighbor spent the last two years posting facebook memes of bill gates with devil horns. i don't know that there's a normal for us to go back to. but pfizer is teaming up with rival pharmaceutical companies to tease a return to normal life by dropping a surprise new trailer for it.
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>> coming this spring to theaters, restaurants, banks, hotels, bouncy castles, and crowded elevators everywhere. starring this guy. these two ladies. this baby. and everyone else on earth. including two-time academy award winner tom hanks. hands will be held. apps will be shared. apples will be bobbed. and/or and orgies will be had. pfizer, moderna, and johnson & johnson present "normal life." coming april 2022. unless we [ bleep ] it up again. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and we will, we will. what are you looking forward to getting back to most, guillermo? >> guillermo: getting together with the family. >> jimmy: which family? not yours.
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[ laughter ] >> guillermo: no well -- everybody, you know. >> jimmy: oh, getting together with other people's families? >> guillermo: yes. drink and have a good time. >> jimmy: not the orgies? >> guillermo: no, no. >> jimmy: okay. with all we have going on in the world, there are a lot of important things happening. than the ongoing drama involving kim kardashian, pete davidson, and kim's estranged husband, ye. you've been following this, right? >> guillermo: yes, yes. >> jimmy: okay. so ye is upset that pete is dating kim. so much so, he released a new song this week in which he threatens violence to pete davidson. and the song is such a hit it's already being covered by a bunch of different artists. including the all-american children's singing group known as kidz bop. >> the biggest kidz bopum of the year is here. kanye west's hot new hit "eazy" sung by kids for kids.
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>> kid-friendly lyrics? >> that's right. we changed this -- ♪ got saved me from the crash just so i could beat pete david's ass ♪ >> to this. ♪ god saved me from the crash so i can give pete davidson a birthday bash ♪ >> turn disses into kisses. >> questinable lyrics -- ♪ i'm going to get that thug across the neighborhood ♪ >> become bossively messages like this. ♪ turn the music up but not too loud ♪ ♪ gonna think of ways to make mom and dad proud ♪ >> when the gang says this -- ♪ running to the crips ain't no discussion ♪ ♪ bullet wounds and hennessey ♪ >> we say this. ♪ i like my bacon crispy on my egg mcmuffin ♪ >> kidz bop ye is available everywhere now. >> kanye's gonna want to kill,
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can't because we're kids. >> order soon and we're throw in "kidz wap," what parents can feel good about. ♪ i'll give you everything you want because i want a puppy ♪ >> warning, may be harmful to children in 15 states. >> jimmy: oh, so that's what "wap" stands for! [ cheers and applause ] we have a good show for you tonight. from the righteous gemstones on hbo, eric andre is with us. we've got music from damon albarn. and we'll be right back with rachel brosnahan. so stick around!
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this is your home. this is your family room slash gym. the guest bedroom slash music studio. the daybed slash dog bed. the living room slash yoga shanti slash regional office slash classroom. and this is the basement slash panic room. maybe what your family needs is a vacation home slash vacation home. find yours on the vrbo app. ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome back to the show. tonight, from the very funny hbo
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show "the righteous gemstones," the very funny eric andre is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, you know him from the bands blur and gorillaz. this is his solo album "the nearer the fountain, more pure the stream flows." damon albarn from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see damon live this monday night at the walt disney concert hall here i los angeles. tomorrow night, jason bateman and ashley park will join us, with music from ghost. our first guest is an emmy-winning actress who plays a fast-talking and fictional midcentury manhattan comic named miriam on "the marvelous mrs. maisel." season 4 premieres february 18th on amazon prime video. please welcome rachel brosnahan. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how's it going? >> oh, it's good. >> jimmy: you flew in from new york to be here. that seems like a major
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sacrifice now, with everything going on. >> you know, it was an uneventful flight. >> jimmy: good. >> which feels like a gift. >> jimmy: yeah, for sure. a lot of crazy stuff is going on. >> i know. >> jimmy: the phones now are apparently knocking planes out of the sky. >> what? >> jimmy: 5g, you've got to be careful. >> great, i still have to go home, jimmy. >> jimmy: might want to take the bus. it was freezing cold there? >> yeah, pretty cold. >> jimmy: how long have you been in new york? you're from outside chicago? >> just north of chicago. [ cheers and applause ] chicago people! all right. i've been in new york for 13 years. >> jimmy: and new york is obviously a great place to live. it is -- i think everybody should probably live in new york for some point of their lives. >> i agree. >> jimmy: what do you is the worst thing about living in new york? >> it just -- you know, best and worst. they kind of go hand in hand. they're like opposite ends of the -- what was it? the same coin -- >> jimmy: two sides of one coin, right. >> some people say it's the smell of pee that greets you when the weather gets warm.
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes? >> i kind of find that romantic at this point, so many years in. [ laughter ] you know. subway delays. there's a clanging on the heater in the winter, and nobody knows where it comes from. there's a lot of ghosts there. you know. and then i got to say, i always -- there's a lot of urban myths. >> jimmy: okay. >> about new york. >> jimmy: like what? >> well, the one that i recently discovered is not an urban myth, jimmy. is that rodents can climb up through the pipe work. >> jimmy: yes. that is true. >> yeah. you know that too? >> jimmy: the plumbing. >> the plumbing. i always heard, be careful because a rodent could come up through your shower, your toilet, your sink. >> jimmy: be careful. what are you supposed to do? >> what are you supposed to do? i don't know. it never actually has happened to anyone we know. >> jimmy: that's why people are peeing outside, by the way. [ laughter ] >> that's right, they are not about to have their bits grabbed by a rodent. but i found out the other day
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that it is -- it's not a myth. >> jimmy: you did, yes, yes. and this is what i was getting at. >> yeah. >> jimmy: because this -- i can't think of anything that would upset me more than this. >> no, me neither. a friend of mine texted me. she had swung by my house. gone to use the bathroom. texted me saying, there is a dead rat in your toilet, and you have to come remove it. yeah, yeah, thank you. >> jimmy: some friend, by the way. >> yeah, right? she didn't take care of it. >> jimmy: i think it's her responsibility. >> thank you. >> jimmy: she may have even brought that rat in. [ laughter ] into your home. >> wow. >> jimmy: so this is a photograph of you. who took this photograph? >> my husband took that photograph. >> jimmy: your husband. okay. i have 30 questions about this. [ laughter ] we'll start with number one. what are you using there? what is that? >> those are improvised rat chopsticks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: rat chopsticks, okay. giant rat chopsticks. >> yep, yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how did it come to be that you got the job of fishing
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the rat, with the chopsticks, out of the toilet? >> that's a great question. obviously my husband and i were in such a panic. we were fast-walking into the house. which seems like we should ave been running in the opposite direction. he's going, you get it. i was going, you get it. eventually we decided i would fish it out, he would figure out how to dispose of it. so i fished it out. not recommended. there's a video somewhere. i'm pulling it out, blind panic. the smell, i will do you all a favor, i will spare you. >> jimmy: it was good? >> it was delicious. [ laughter ] i thought i was going to throw up. it would be most traumatizing experience, but also the moment that i became a new yorker. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, if you are going to throw up, you're in the exact right position to do it. >> that would be next. i would throw up on top of it, then i'd have to take care of both. >> jimmy: i'm so impressed that you fished the rat out. i have to tell you, there would
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never over have been a conversation at my house. >> how would that have gone? >> jimmy: you get the rat out of the toilet, you get rid of the rat. that's what my wife would have said and i would not have questioned it for one moment, even though i would have been absolutely mortified. >> i mean this late night story wrote itself. >> jimmy: i had a rat in my kitchen one time. i got a pellet gun and i laid on the floor and i destroyed the kitchen with a gun. [ laughter ] trying to shoot the rat. didn't get the rat, either. >> what happened to it, though? >> jimmy: i don't know. >> it ended up in my toilet. >> jimmy: we moved house. i would move if i was you, i would. one thing to have a rat in the cabinet, another thing to have a rat in the toilet bowl. >> i don't know what to do. do i now always keep the lid closed so that a waterlogged rat doesn't make it into my house? >> jimmy: yeah. >> or leave it open so that i don't have to do this again? >> jimmy: no, you need to duct tape that toilet shut, never use it again. [ laughter ] never go in that room again. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: that room is now
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closed down. >> condemned. >> jimmy: consider it not even part of your house. >> great thinking. >> jimmy: wow, that's crazy. are you usually good in a crisis? >> you know -- yes. >> jimmy: you are, wow. >> i'm kind of a freak. and i'm currently seeking therapy for this. but i'm like -- i turn into like a "westworld" robot. i'm the person you want with you in a crisis. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> yeah. recently i had an experience, again that may or may not have prompted therapy. i was on the phone with someone, i was talking to a friend, i was having a bad day. so crazy, it's like they burned the house down on the way out -- i got to call you back. i looked outside, there was a fire on my roof. >> jimmy: at your house? >> at my house, yeah. maybe i should move. [ laughter ] i looked out, a fire on the roof. it was raining. i think my brain couldn't process why there was a fire and it was raining. i just -- i just sort of walked downstairs, and my husband and a friend were downstairs, and i
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just went, "hi, are you busy?" [ laughter ] and he was like, "uh, kipd of, what's up?" and i was like, "well, there's a rife on the roof." and he was like, "what?" they bolted up. i sort of went, "yeah, maybe she get a fire extinguisher." calmly went down, got a fire extinguisher. i don't know, the panic button gets turned off. >> jimmy: for an actor, you're not very dramatic. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, i guess that's it. >> jimmy: and who put the fire out? did your husband make you do that too? >> husband put the fire out. no one wants me near an open flame. >> jimmy: where did he wind up putting the rat, in the garbage? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you don't know. >> i had to take it out. he had to dispose of it. no questions asked on either end. >> jimmy: oh, wow. wow. yeah. it might be time to be thinking about, yeah, a new place for sure, sounds like. >> i thought you were going to say a new husband. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you read my mind. rachel brosnahan is here, "the marvelous mrs. maisel." we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by raising cane's chicken fingers. one love! i can get live tv and on demand anywhere. look, serena williams... matrix... serena... matrix... serena... matrix... ♪ ♪ ♪ get your tv together with the best of live and on demand. introducing directv stream. ♪ ♪ what's going on...? jake from state farm! the perp just confessed. i think... i don't know. uh... what? oh, i can't afford streaming anymore. so... (shooing a pigeon that landed next to her) here we are. don't give up what you love. state farm has options to personalize your policies, so you get a rate that fits your budget. oh, that's great.
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the one you arranged with lenny? ruined my marriage and any chance of happiness so great. [ bleep ]. detroit, kansas city, new orleans, myrtle beach, now the apollo. all those shows, one of a kind. the kind of shows that only i could do. >> agreed. >> susie -- >> miriam, you know what's great about me? >> your humility?
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>> no, it's when i'm me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: alex boorstin and rachel brosnahan in the new season of "the marvelous mrs. maisel." how long has it been between last season and this season? >> two years? time is a flat circle now. >> jimmy: it's crazy, yeah. the show premiered, what, 4 1/2 years ago, something like that? >> something. i was young then. >> jimmy: yeah right. that's got to be strange to have that much time in between shows, go back and do it again. >> yeah, i think especially, you know, it's the most time we've ever had off between seasons. it felt like -- i think the most notable difference, we were so happy to see each other again, we went away and we all got a little slower. you know? everyone got to breathe and rest and take a nap. when we coil back, the pacing was kind of off. >> jimmy: your character talks very quickly. >> a million miles an hour. tony shalhoub said, first day of shooting, complicated scene, all the children, everyone in one room together.
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and he was like, you know, it's like the words come out of my mouth and my brain is two beats behind them. i think that was us for the entirety of the scene. eventually we caught up. >> jimmy: the children on the show, you have -- in tv we have twins play individual children. >> yes. >> jimmy: so they are -- how did that work? >> well -- yeah, you're right. we went away for nearly two years. so the babies got a lot older. and this season, the little girls -- and this season, we pick up basically right where we left off. and so we sadly needed to replace our sweet esthers. we got new esthers. >> jimmy: oh, you fired them? [ laughter ] >> well, i wasn't going to put it that way. >> jimmy: how old were they? >> they were -- oh god, it's getting worse. 2? >> jimmy: they were 2 when you started, yeah. how do you let a toddler go? "it's just not working out"? >> thankfully that's not my
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responsibility. "it's show business, kids!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is kind of weird. >> it is. >> jimmy: working with kids, is it a -- does it slow you down too? is that another thing that -- >> sometimes. i love working -- i love working with the kids on this show. we have great kids. we've had a number of really great esthers. the boys have been with us since the start. our ethans. it's always challenging to get to know a new set of kids when you haven't worked with them before. and the thing is, you know, it's an adult show. it's not a show i would recommend small children watch on tv. a lot of cursing, all this stuff. this season, the very, very first day of working with our new esthers, a really short scene with them. trying to see how they'd be on a set, whether they'd play with the toys and be in the -- i was going to say cage. that's not the word. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> yeah, that one. >> jimmy: keeping the babies with the rats -- >> i'm not a mom, not a real mo. anyway. but yeah.
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so we shot this soocene. my only line is "it's a [ bleep ]ing [ bleep ] man's world, kid." i turned to the babies, "i'm so sorry, i will pay for your therapy." [ laughter ] they didn't want to shoot her face in case it didn't do anything or it didn't work out. we do take one, i bend down, i go, "it's a [ bleep ]ing man's [ bleep ]ing world, kid." and she looked at me and she went, "okay." [ laughter ] and i was like, you know -- i finished the scene, then i ran back in, no, no, no, the world -- i was like, wait a second. but yeah. >> jimmy: this is going to be interesting. >> i've broken the kid. >> jimmy: you've got twins now, identical twins. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you've cursed out one of them at this age. >> sure. >> jimmy: it's going to be interesting to see how they grow up, we have another one. >> jimmy: you have a control group, a child who you didn't curse at, then the one you did
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curse at. >> i've spent a lot of time apologizing to their mom for this one. >> jimmy: well, it's great to see you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm glad the show is back. "the marvelous mrs. maisel." it premieres february 18th on amazon prime video. rachel brosnahan, everybody! we'll be back with eric andre. my plaque psoriasis... ...the itching... the burning. the stinging. my skin was no longer mine. my psoriatic arthritis, made my joints stiff,
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here as fast as i could. >> guillermo: thanks for coming, have a seat. >> jimmy: okay, thank you. so what is this big news that you need to tell me? >> guillermo: jimmy, i'm in love. >> jimmy: what do you mean? with your wife? >> guillermo: no. there's someone else. i'm in love with raising cane's chicken fingers. it tastes so good and is served hot and fresh every time! >> jimmy: i love raising cane's chicken fingers too. but i don't understand. >> guillermo: they have a secret. it's their sauce. it's so tangy, i want to marry it. >> jimmy: well, that is very weird. but i know it was just voted number 1 most craveable sauce. fortunately for you, i happen to be an ordained minister. you want to do this? >> guillermo: yeah, hold on. >> jimmy: wow, how smooth. do you have a ring? >> guillermo: yeah, right here. >> jimmy: all right. do you, guillermo, take this container of cane's sauce to be
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your lawfully wedded wife? >> guillermo: i do. >> jimmy: do you, container of cane's sauce, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? >> guillermo: i do. >> jimmy: then by the power vested in me by raising cane's, i now pronounce you husband and sauce-wife. you may kiss the condiment. mm, wow. you're right, guillermo. your wife is delicious. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> lou: raising cane's only has one love, crave-able chicken finger meals.
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visit restasis.com to learn more. ♪ i'm those fries you've been craving. i'm hot. i'm steamy. and oh man, do i smell delicious. i'm calling your name. doug... doug. and if you don't have the right auto insurance coverage, paying for these repairs may be tough to swallow. for a whole lot less. paying for these repairs may be tough to swallow. (sound of rain) ♪ ♪ ♪ (phone ringing) ♪ ♪ ♪ (phone ringing) ♪ ♪ ♪
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every home should be a haven. ikea. >> jimmy: welcome back. music from damon albarn is on the way. our next guest is a strange and very funny man who plays the strange and possibly even insane pastor of a megachurch in season 2 of "the righteous gemstones." >> do you want the power of the holy spirit in you? what's that? all you have to do is take it.
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take it! you want that? >> you know i do. >> you want the holy spirit right now? >> this is awesome. >> give us what you want! take it! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: watch new episodes of "the righteous gemstones" sundays on hbo. please welcome eric andre! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how you doing? i have to say, i think you might have a career in preach organize wrestling or something. >> oh, yeah. it's all the same [ bleep ]. preaching, wrestling. i can't say [ bleep ]. can i start over? [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i think you'll be all
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right. >> televangelists are just wwf wrestlers. >> jimmy: did you know much about that world before -- >> nothing, nothing. >> jimmy: did you dive into and it watch and -- >> danny mcbride gave me a bunch of preachers. there's bennie hin. he does the mortal kombat fatalities. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can i tell you about bennie hin? he's been on forever. i used to look in the "tv guide," i'd see bennie hin, i thought it was a misprint, thought bennie hill was on the air. disappointingly it was never bennie hill. >> classic mixup. treff dahler. bojangles, o.j. simpson, something like that. >> jimmy: he's very good, i understand. >> one of the best, one ofthe best. >> jimmy: you watch these guys. you've got the rhythm, a little bit of the holy spirit in you. >> macho man randy savage.
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this sunday in church, macho man, hulk hogan, no holds barred, cage match! [ applause ] thank you. thank you, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think alex is going to think we're cheering for him. oh! [ cheers and applause ] i see you've been working out. very smooth. is that shaved? >> i shaved for this entire audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you. at's nice. a lot of guests won't do that. so you're working with -- what a great cast. danny mcbride. walton goggins. jason schwartzman. john goodman. >> a legend. >> jimmy: john goodman, yeah, he's a funny guy. it kind of takes you a minute to figure out whether he's mad at you or not, right, kind of? >> he's a little hard to read, but he was so sweet to me. he loves howard stern so he just asked me, you really rode the
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simian? yeah, the first guy to ever ride the simian. how do i tell your audience -- >> jimmy: i think if they don't know, it's probably for the best, right? [ laughter ] >> when one woman and one machine love each other very >> jimmy: it's kind of like the rodeo gone wrong is the best way to describe it. >> the sexiest mechanic album a woman's everybody met in her life. >> jimmy: you're probably the only man to ever ride one on the radio. first man to ride the simian on the radio. quite a credit, i hope that's on your wikipedia page. >> should be on my tombstone. >> jimmy: this show is set in south carolina. danny lives in south carolina. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's like, let's do it here. did you like being here? >> i loved it. i got so fat. this was my fat life. so i pumply gained weight for the fifth season of "the eric andre show." [ cheers and applause ] thank you, i'll take it.
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i'll take the two sincere ones and the sympathy ones afterwards, i'll take the whole wave. [ laughter ] i got fat for my show on purpose. as soon as i was going to lose the weight, the pandemic started. at first, remember pandemic was just going to be a month or something? so i was like, whatever, pina coladas in hi bathrobe for a month, baby! i'm not losing weight now. then stretched to six months, eight months. i'm in my bathtub eating hot cheetos, drinking white russians. i looked like the caterpillar from "alice in wonderland." [ laughter ] six tits like a dog. i'm like, when will this end? and then i got vaccinated. i was like, i'll lose the weight now. then danny mcbride goes, come do "righteous gemstones." we film in the least healthy city in america, charleston, south carolina. deep fried crawdad, bubba gump slump with bourbon on top. i was like, what am i playing?
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a texan preacher? i'm going to stay fat through the entire run of the show. that's why i look like doffe's death footage. >> jimmy: you're being very hard on yourself, i think. >> thank you. i tried intermittent fasting but i was -- >> jimmy: didn't work for you? >> i was too hungry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah you get hungry. >> i was hungry. then i did the noom. you count your calories. everything you put in. every cookie you eat, type it in. now i'm like -- >> jimmy: the noom app, i see. >> cumio. >> jimmy: look at that. [ cheers and applause ] >> where's the kumail app? >> jimmy: kumail's got an app, guys in silicon valley are working on it. >> am i taking over the show too
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much? >> jimmy: it's fine, people are enjoying it. you are in the "jack ass" movie. >> i am. >> jimmy: i would guess that is something that excites you very, very much, given your age and your inclinations. >> oh my god, they raised me. they shaped my world. >> jimmy: did they really? >> they're my dads. >> jimmy: did they call and ask you to be in this? >> they called, asked me to be in it. the quickest i've ever said yes to a project, then immediately terrified. [ laughter ] because being on a "jackass" set, it's like the vietnam war of comedy. like every step you take is a real land mine or an explosive that could be underneath. i got there at like 8:30 in the morning and the very first thing i did was go to the restroom. and a port-a-potty is [ bleep ]. they detonated an explosive under the port-a-potty while i was urinating. 7:30 in the morning. and i ran for my life. but it was the greatest moment
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of my life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was your welcome to the show? >> that was my welcome to the show. [ applause ] and it's like scary being friends with those guys too. >> jimmy: it is, yeah. >> oh my god. i mean, they are sweethearts. but they will light you up any chance. >> jimmy: genuinely crazy people. hearing you say they're crazy makes me think they're even crazier. >> i am fisher price to their crazy. [ laughter ] i'm trendy so i got omicron over christmas. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] negative now, i'm not spreading my droplets. i sat at home and watched "bad santa" over and over again and smoked pot, i mean, what else are we going to do? [ laughter and applause ] knoxville broke into my house on christmas eve. >> jimmy: christmas eve? >> he was like, i've got to cheer eric up. >> jimmy: did he have toys?
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>> he had toilet paper and an andy warhol wig. he started toilet papering my house. my alarm goes off. i'm stoned by myself. paranoid. i hope the window. my alarm's going off. i don't know it's him. i'm yelling out the window, "i'm calling the police, i have a gun! i'm calling the police, i have a gun!" [ laughter ] i'm terrified. i'm really calling the cops. >> jimmy: you did? the cops are on the way. the adt security thing calls the cops for you. the cops are on the way. and i'm like -- i didn't get the gun, yeah. but then he presses his face. he's videotaping me, which is driving me nuts. he presses his face against my window. who is this guy? i was like, oh my god, it's knoxville. i opened the door, i'm going to kill you, man! i have a gun and the cops are on their way. he goes, dude, how good publicity would it have been if you had gotten me arrested and shot me right before "jackass" comes out? [ laughter and applause.
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>> jimmy: especially in that order. it's not too late. >> i've got another week. >> jimmy: eric andre, everybody. "the righteous gemstones" sundays on hbo and hbo max and the "jack ass" movie. be right back with damonal borne! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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>> leo: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank rachel brosnahan and eric andre. apologies to matt damon. we ran uh time for him. tomorrow night, jason bateman and ashley park with music from ghost. "nightline" is next. but first, his album is called "the nearer the fountain, more pure the stream flows." here with the song "royal morning blue," damon albarn! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ rain turning into snow you put on your robes and disappear ♪ ♪ ♪ into new realities thought and memory stay by your side ♪ ♪
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♪ royal, royal morning blue you are saved ♪ ♪ and nothing like this had ever happened before ♪ ♪ i'm saved ♪ ♪ the nearer the fountain royal morning blue ♪ ♪ royal morning blue ♪ ♪ ♪ running out of things sent to give us wings to fly away ♪ o royamoing blue
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memories of you ♪ ♪ at the end of the world stay by my side ♪ ♪ at the end of the world stay by my side royal morning blue ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, devastation in tonga. the small pacific island nation ravaged by an undersea volcanic eruption. >> there's this boom. we sort of looked at each other, something strange going on. >> setting off tsunamis across the world.ations sll dn. no way for desperate families to reach loved ones. >> none of us have heard from anybody. >> the massive effort to get critical supplies ashore. and how the pandemic is adding danger to the efforts. plus sister versus sister. the fierce feud between britney and jamie lynn escalating. >> britney seems incredibly angry. >> after the story jamie lynn told us of a frightened britney locking them in a room with a knife.

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