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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  September 21, 2020 11:00pm-11:45pm PDT

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anti-flashing task force! above the sink. above the sink. hmm. captioning by courtney at captionmax www.captionmax.com welcome to the daily social distancing show. i'm trevor noah. today is monday, the 21st of september, and i'm here in new york city, which, as you may have heard, bill barr's justice department has now declared an "anarchist jurisdiction." which means this place is in chaos! that's why i'm wearing sandals with socks. no rules, baby! anyway, on tonight's show, we'll look at the inspiring life of ruth bader ginsburg, as well as the somewhat less-inspiring madness that has broken out in the wake of her death, and then we'll talk to dr. fauci himself to find out just how screwed america really is. so let's do this, people! welcome to "the daily social distancing show."
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>> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. >> trevor: right now, the only news america is talking about is the passing of ruth bader ginsburg. aka the notorious r.b.g. as i'm sure you know, the iconic supreme court justice died over the weekend at the age of 87. a little bit later on in the show, we will talk about her life and legacy. but first we have to start with the all-out war brewing over her reblame it because you may remember that when justice antonin scalia died nine months before the 2016 election and president obama tried to replace him with merrick garland, mitch mcconnell and the g.o.p. blocked it, and their reasoning was a supreme court vacancy so close to an election should be held for the next president so
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that the people can decide. well, you might want to s.a.t. down for this one because, guess what they're saying now? >> president donald trump and his republican allies are forging full speed ahead to nominate a successor in some case defying promises they made four years ago to do the exact opposite if the situation arose. >> less than 24 hours after justice ruth bader ginsburg died friday, senate majority leader mitch mcconnell vowing president trump's nominee to replace her will get a vote in the senate. president trump says he will put forward his nominee this week. >> when you have the senate, when you have the votes, you can do what you want as long as you have it. >> trevor: well, there you have it, folks -- when you have the senate, you can do whatever you want. trump is right, it's basically when you're a star they let you do it, but of judicial appointments -- it's truly amazing how mitch mcconnell's rules keep change.
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first it was oh, we can't nominate a supreme court justice during an election year. then it's like, asterisk, that rule doesn't apply when we have the white house. don't be shocked when mitch mcconnell says, how come the supreme court is a lifetime appointment but our great president is not. you guys feel me? speaking of lifetime appointments, i can't believe donald j. trump, people, gets to name three justices to the supreme court. the guy can't even name three branches of government but he gets to name three justices who serve for life! this is the same guy who has fired everyone he hired because of how bad he is at hiring people for life! trump can't even pick his own partner for life but he gets to do it for america? this country is rock and roll. i don't think anybody's surprised senate republicans said one thing when obama was president an another thing when it's trump. i mean, you can't even call them inconsistent, you know. doing whatever it takes to get
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his way is the one consistent principle that mitch mcconnell lives by. it's that and eating baby birds right out of the nest. still, it has been pretty incredible watching some of these senators abandon their past promises, and no one was abandoning harder than a senior senator from south carolina and assistant manager of chick-fil-a lindlindsey graham. >> republican senator lindsey graham's records are haunting him, he's now vowing to support trump in any effort to november forward in filling ginsburg's seat in filling the election. here's what he said in 2016 when president obama was in office. >> i want you to use my words against me -- if there's a republican president in 2016 and a vacancy occurs in the last year of the first term, you can say lindsey graham said let's let the next president, whoever it might be, make that nomination, and you could use my words against me and you would be absolutely right. we are setting a precedent here
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today, republicans are, that you're not going to fill a vacancy of the supreme court. that's going to be the new rule. >> and he repeated this in 2018. >> if an opening comes in the last year of president trump's term and the primary process has started, we'll wait till the next election. >> you're on th on the record. >> yeah, hold the tape off. >> trevor: okay, i know he looks like a giant hypocrite and an asshole right now, but in lindsey graham's defense, he didn't know this would happen. it's the same way you say, oh, you know, if i won the lottery, i -- i would give most to have the money to an orphanage. i don't need it that much. yeah, but then when you actually win the lottery, you're knocking down the orphanage to build an extra garage for your cars. unlike a child, ab a bugatti cat
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sleep outside! sometimes i tell myself i'm not going to eat another or owe, then totally overturn roe v. wade. i have no will power, guys. what really doesn't help lindsey graham is he explicitly said, i want you to use my words against me -- so creepy. sounds like some kind of weird senate version of bdsm. that's right, you take that sentence, and you play it back to me -- you play it hard, and you make me feel ashamed. yeah, you make me feel real bad with that tape, you just keep playing it to me. now, there are a couple of republican senators who have said they don't fear filling the seat before the election. but pretty much every other senator seems to be fine with blatant hypocrisy. easy to see why, a solid conservative majority on the supreme court could kill obamacare, undo abortion rights
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and strike down any liberal policies for decades to come, even after trump leaves, his legacy will be in the dpowrnt cy for decades. it's like if somebody came into your house to say hey but stepped in dog shit before entering, now it's deep in the carpet an doesn't have to leave till it wants to. phasing trump's third supreme court appointment in less than four years, what's left for the democrats to do? joe biden is asking republican senators to follow their conscience, which i'm pretty sure is exactly what republicans are doing -- this is like telling han ball lector to go with his gut. you will about lose your face. to help me get a handle on the hypocrisy of the g.o.p. senators, i'm going to turn to a man who can't pronounce hypocrisy, michael kosta. michael, help me out with this, my friend, because i really don't understand how republicans can be so inconsistent. >> well, i didn't understand their hypo-cry-see either,
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trevor. but i did a bit of research and i figured it out -- they're lying. >> trevor: lying? >> yeah, it's a crazy new thing. let me explain to you how it works -- you say something but you don't actually mean it, and then you can just do whatever you want. >> trevor: but, michael, then people will know that you lied. >> that's the best part because if they call you out, you just lie again, and this just goes on forever and ever until the people you lied to are so worn out and defeated that they have to lie down. that's why it's called lying, trevor. it's amazing. have you not heard about this? >> trevor: yeah, kosta, i know what lying is. >> why didn't you tell me about it? all those times i didn't want to go to a birthday party and i broke my leg, i could have just said i broke my leg. >> trevor: how many times did you break your own leg? >> i have never been to a birthday party. that's how many times. i'm going to be lying all the
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time from now. i'm going to lie if i don't want to go to a wedding, i'm going to lie if i don't want to go to book club, or work -- >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa, kosta, don't you start lying to me. >> oh, no, trevor, i would never lie to you. >> trevor: michael, i could see you winking. >> oh, damn it! i'm so new to this that i'm not -- okay. hey, i gotta go anyways, i definitely don't have to masturbate. >> trevor: kosta, just get out of here. we'll take a quick break and when we come back, we'll look at the amazing legacy of ruth bader ginsburg. ginsburg. so stick
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watch the patience of bubble 99. he waits for a hole between the refreshing bubbles, turns on the gas and takes it all the way to the foam zone... i cannot believe what i'm seeing! dos equis. a most interesting beer. thanks captain obvious. i'm you from the future here to warn you about 2020. it can't be that bad, right? let's just say it gets a bit dramatic. there's no toilet paper, hand sanitizer or sports, oh and trips were cancelled. what??! listen just choose free cancellation on hotels.com because no one knows what the future holds. anything else? we're bald show, everybody. as we were talking about earlier, ruth bader ginsburg's death has sparked a nionwide debate over how and when to replace her. but for this episode, we wanted to spend some time talking about just how irreplaceable she was.
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because, you see, r.b.g. wasn't justt another supreme court justice, she was an american icon. >> even though she served on the spk that does most of its work behind closed doors, ruth bader ginsburg, through her intellect and force of personality and determination, somehow became a pop culture favorite. >> she would cross generations earning the nickname the notorious r.b.g. >> there were books, clothing, tattoos, even a species of praying mantis in her honor. >> every time she wrote a dissent, the internet would explode. >> he said don't you feel uncomfortable having the name of the notorious b.i.g.? i said we have a lot in common. >> trevor: they're both from brooklyn, both into fancy neckware and both got tired of diddy trying to steal their
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spotlight, not to mention we all remember r.b.g.'s campaign finance opinion in citizens united, more money, more problems. r.b.g. gained more fame than any supreme court justice before her, and deservedly so because even from the beginning of her life, she didn't let societal expectations about women hold her back. >> ruth bader ginsburg grew up in brooklyn in a lower middle class family. when she was in high school, she was a twirler, a cheer leader with a baton. >> she earned a scholarship to cornell where she met a jovial sophomore who became the love of her life. >> he was the first boy who cared i had a brain. >> the year he enrolled in harvard, ruth followed, one of only nine women in a class of 150 with a baby girl in tow. >> marty had cancer and she took notes for him and made him able
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to graduate on time, raising a baby and being a law student herself. >> she graduated first in her class. >> tied for first. >> but didn't get a single offer from a new york law firm. >> i had three strikes against me. one, i was jewish, two, a woman, and the killer was i was a mother of a 4-year-old child. >> trevor: damn, she was a brilliant student at the top of her class but couldn't get a single job? it's like she was a reverse jared kushner. to turn down a brilliant lawyer just because she's a mom, what did those guys think was going to happen? we can't hire her, she's going to force us to finish our asparagus. but those law firms that didn't hire r.b.g. lived to regret it because she ended up being such an incredible lawyer that she started making history in the supreme court long before she got on the supreme court. >> ruth became a law professor at rutgers working towards women's rights. in the 1970s, she founded the
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aclu's women's rights project. >> she wanted to build the idea of women's equality step by step, to use each case to move things forward. >> between 1973 and 1978, ginsburg argued six gender discrimination cases before the supreme court's all-male bench. >> case after case, she slowly broke down barriers of gender discrimination that, when you look at them today, you almost laugh at them. >> we couldn't have our own credit cards, we couldn't get a mortgage without a man signing, we couldn't buy a car. >> there were hundreds, maybe even thousands of state, local and federal laws that, by law, barred women from jobs, even from jury service. >> trevor: that's right, people. before ruth bader ginsburg came along, there were laws preventing women from getting a mortgage, serving on a jury or even getting their own credit cards, which is mind boggling.
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to think this country, this country ever let misogyny get in the way of something as american as getting people into debt! i mean, women couldn't even serve on a jury. that's why the movie was called 12 angry men, and not six angry men and women who had enough of their cam plaining. so after a career that changed the lives of every woman in america, r.b.g. was nominated to the supreme court by president clinton in 1993 an used the seat to advocate for the equality of all people whether her federal justices agreed with her or not. >> as a justice, ginsburg consistently voted in favor of abortion access and civil rights. perhaps her best known work writing the 1996 landmark decision to strike down the virginia military institute's ban on admitting women. >> ginsburg's opinions helped solidify constitutional protections she fought hard to establish decades earlier. but later as the court moved to the right --
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>> ginsburg wrote a learnty dissent. >> huh brings is a fit word for today's demolition of the voting rights act. >> in a landmark case on employment discrimination in 2007, ginsburg wrote a powerful dissent at prompted congress to amend the laws. >> trevor: that's how you know r.b.g. was the goat. even when she was in the minority, they used her dissent to change the law. you understand how epic that is? that's like writing a review so scathing and eloquent they let you choose what's on the next day's menu. she won even when she lost. who else can say that? well, besides me, who broke into general oliver's apartment last night and stole his emmy! ha ha -- we should actually cut that from the show. i don't want him to know. the thing i find most impressive about r.b.g. is not just what
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she accomplished with her work but how dedicated she was to doing it, even when it would have been easier to call it quits. >> this woman was determined to do the job that she loved. she loved being a supreme court justice, she loved the law. >> she's famously a workaholic. >> how much sleep do you get? >> i can get by on not more than four hours. >> her grant helped keep her on the bench through colon cancer, pancreatic cancer and the death of her beloved partner. >> justice ginsburg even though her husband died of cancer yesterday was on the bench. >> she used to schedule her chemotherapy sessions fridays so she would have the weekend to recover and during that time she did not miss a single day on the bench. >> instead of concentrating on my aches and pains, i concentrate on the court's work. >> trevor: okay, people, that is just awe-inspiring. throughout multiple battles of cancer, she never stopped
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working. one time i missed work for two weeks because my leg fell asleep on the toilet. i had no choice, i couldn't get up. all i could do is scroll instagram and hope somebody found me. ever try that shit, when you're texting and the legs go and you can't stand because your leg can break? that's a thing i read, if you stand on the leg -- so, look, i know with r.b.g.'s passing, a lot of people feel hopeless, defeated and like everything is lost, but if there's one thing that r.b.g.'s life shows us, it's that change isn't easy, but if you put in the time, the effort and the dedication, you can see results. she never gave up and she never stopped fighting. if anyone lived the biggie line, stay far from timid, only make moves when your heart is in it and really live the phrase sky's the limit, it was ruth and that's why they called her the notorious r.b.g. -- that and she might have killed tupac.
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we have to take a break. when we come back, i'll speak to america's most trusted epidemiologist dr. anthony t-mobile and sprint have merged. and t-mobile doesn't just have a bigger network, but a better one than ever before, with scam protection built into its core. introducing, scamshield, free from t -mobile. get fewer scam calls. period. with t-mobile's supercharged network,
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s. > >> trevor: welcome back to"the g show. earlier today, i spoke with a man you all know, dr. anthony fauci, director of the national institutes of allergy any and infectious diseases and america's leading infectious disease experts. we spoke about the state of the pandemic the hopes for a vaccine and so much more.
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dr. futurey, welcome back to "the daily social distancing show. >> thank you. very nice to be with you. thank you for having me. >> trevor: before i ask you about us, i'm going to try as we do in african culture and ask you about you. i know that you had surgery on your vocal chords, something i'm very sensitive to because i, too, had polyps and had to get them surgically removed. how are you and your voice? >> i'm actually fine, trevor. thank you for asking. i should have had this done literally months ago. i had kind of strained my voice. i had actually an upper respiratory infection and had a little tracheitis. usually you rest and it goes away, but things exploded with covid 19. i was 17, 18 hours a day talking to the point where i just strained and strained and strained it. i realized my voice was gravelly and i couldt not get it back to
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normal. the surgery was successful, they removed a benign polyp and now this is my regular voice. instead of sounding like vito coreleone from the godfather, i sound like anthony fauci from the nature. >> trevor: i know how horrible the surgery can be, so i'm glad you have your voice back. there are few people who need their voices more than you especially considering what's going on now not just in america but around the the world. i spoke with you six months ago, the country saw you every day. we had a routine. we wake up, saw dr. fauci, he gives us an update, then you disappeared. now i have to rely on facebook to know how to or not to fight the virus or to fight the virus. where have you been? >> there's been a change in the intensity in which the white house coronavirus task force has been involved. it used to be on a daily basis when we were talking about the public health issues.
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then there was a switch, a pivoting that was focusing mostly on opening the economy and the country, which is a good thing. so we're not meeting as frequently. and you remember, we used to have, like, a press conference every single day. >> trevor: oh, i remember, yes. >> and they decided they were going to pull back and have mostly theup give the press conference. and then, you know, we are sometimes on the media, sometimes not. it's kind of erratic, like on the classic media you might see me a couple of days in a row and then i'm off for a while, and it's just a question of whether they have a message that they want out and if it's the message that they want outta particular day, then you might go out. if not, you don't go out. and that's the reason why i value the opportunity to speak with you and top others because i think we can get the public health measure that i really feel is very important for the health of the american public to be able to say it in a way that's received by the people who really would benefit from
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it. >> trevor: i'm not going to lie to you, right now it feels like everyone is making this up as they go along because it doesn't feel like the public has a solid source from which to deal with, you know. you will hear one thing from the c.d.c., then another thing from the c.d.c. we don't know when it gets updated. then the director of the c.d.c. says something, then the president correspondent tickets him. then we hear this is happening with masks or not mask, with vaccines or not vaccines. is there a reason there isn't a centralized source of information like in many other countries around the world? >> well, you know, trevor, that's a difficult question to give a satisfactory explanation for because, as a matter of fact, there has been switches in how the messages have gone out and, you're right, i -- you know, from a research and public health standpoint, i try my best, and i think i'm successful, in giving a consistent message as often as i can get the message out, something that is just based on
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the scientific data, based on evidence, which is something that is really very important. one of the things that i think gets in the way is that we are in such a divisive state in society that it tends to get politicized. it's almost a one side versus the other, and the thing i keep saying and i will say it very briefly now because i think it's important is everybody feels we need to open the economy to get people back to work, to get people back to school. but the public health messages that we've given and that you've heard me give back months ago when we used to have the press conferences from the white hous- >> trevor: right. >> -- is that public health measures should be more of a gateway and a pathway to opening the country as opposed to the obstacle to opening the country. so what has evolved now is that almost people take sides, like wearing a mask or not is a
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political statement, and that's really very unfortunate, totally unfortunate, because this is a purely public health issue. it should not be one against the other, and i think the confused messages that you're alluding to correctly and appropriately is that you don't have a single message when messages sort of get thrown into political buckets, and that's something i really wish that conversations like you and i are having would dispel that and put that aside and say, for goodness sakes, i've never had political ideology i've made public. when i say wear a mask, social distance, wash your hands do, things outdoors more than indoors, there's nothing political about that. that's a public health message
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we know works because every time groups of people have done that in situations where you've had a surge of infections, the surge has come around and come down. so we have within our capable the about to turn this around. >> trevor: if you were to rate america's response to the coronavirus on a scale of one to ten as an epidemiologist, where do you rate it? >> it's very interesting because if you look at the numbers, trevor, the numbers are telling, we have in this country now, you know, close to 200,000 deaths. we have 6 million-plus infections. you can't look at that and say that's terrific, you know, but if you look at the country, there are parts to have the country that have done well, that are doing well. right now, what i'm liking, what i'm seeing is that some of the numbers are coming down. what i'm concerned about is that our baseline is still very, very high, trevor.
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it's like -- it never got below 20,000 new cases a day. when we tried to open up the economy, as it it were, some states jumped ahead of the guidelines, some people tinted listen to what the governors and mayors were saying and we went well up to 70,000 and now are coming back down to 30,000 or 40,000. the thing i'm concerned about is that, as you go into the fall and winter and more things will have to be done indoors rather than outdoors, you want to start off with the lowest possible baseline that you could have. so in the next several weeks, what i would love to see is the country pulling together as a whole to try and get that baseline down so that, when we go into the winter and the fall and we, perhaps, get hit with a flu season, i hope that people will get their flu vaccines, that we're not struggling at a
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disadvantage because you have a disadvantage when this community spread and you have 40,000 new infections each day, that is not a good place to be. >> trevor: let me ask you two questions to that. number one, how do you respond to the people who say, well, the infection rates shoulden matter, it's only the death rates that should matter and, even then, the death rates are being inflated and some people are saying people have died from corona when, in fact, people are dying with corona, and they just have corona and they're dying but it's not corona that causes their death. >> i think the 200,000 deaths you're talk about, trevor, are a good reflection of people that likely would not have died if they didn't have this infection. the thing that i think we need to be careful and humble about in that we don't know everything about this infection, but we're starting to see a u couple of
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things now that are troubling to me and that is, first of all, more and more young people, when you see when you look at it, are getting into some significant trouble. not a lot, not a high percentage, that's true. the other thing is, when people get infected, we're seeing more and more of lingering signs and symptoms so that when you clear the virus, you may have weeks or months or so in which you just are not quite right, and the final thing is that they've recently done a study that was published in the journal of the american medical association of cardiology where people who recovered even from disease that wasn't that severe, when you do mris or imaging, sensitive imaging, you can see things like inflammation of the heart. now, they may not be symptomatic, but we want to make sure that six months or a year from now they don't wind up with unexplained arrhythmias or premature heart attacks or
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cardiomyopathies. so the situation is not wrapped up about what is the full impact of this, which means we have to take it very seriously, even among people who are obviously in trouble and die. there's other people that we need to be concerned about. >> trevor: all right, we have to take a quick break but don't go away because when we come back dr. fauci will tell you when and where you need to wear a mask. so stick around. give you my world ♪ ♪ how can i, when you won't take it from me ♪ ♪ you can go your own way ♪ ♪ go your own way your wireless. your rules. only with xfinity mobile.
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welcome back to "the daily social distancing show. earlier today i spoke with dr. anthony fauci. here's the second half of our interview. many people say that they will only take a vaccine once dr. fauci says the vaccine is safe. my question to you is if everyone's asking dr. fauci, who does dr. fauci ask? when you do you think a vaccine is safe? >> i look at the data, trevor. in fact, the data and safety monitoring board, which is an independent group that monitors the trials, they look at the data, they analyze it with
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independently statisticians and they will say this is effective, and then you look at the number of people that have been on the trial for a period of additional 30 to 60 days, and if you don't see any obvious serious adverse events, then i would consider that effective and safe and i would taket it myself. >> trevor: you don't think we should wear masks when we're indoors in a closed environment but there's seem to be confusion. so i'll shoot a few rapid fire ones that i've written down and you tell me yes or no should we be wearing a mask. if i'm riding a bike on the street? >> not necessarily, no. but you should have it with you in case you come into close contact with people on the outside. but if you're alone and nobody is near you and you're riding the bike you don't need to wear the mask. >> trevor: what about if i'm eating in a a restaurant when they are open should i put it on between the courses? >> yeah, i think because there's enough movement and people
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usually within six feet that you probably should. i put it around my neck and then i could eat, drink and put it back up when you're waiting for the waiter or something to occur. >> trevor: people have said that there's coronavirus on your neck, show should i put it on my neck? can i get coronavirus on from my neck when the mask comes back to my mouth? >> good question. flip it up or down. don't put your hand on the outside of it. >> trevor: in an empty elevator do, i put my mask on? >> the answer is when the door opens, someone might walk in and you will have no idea who's going to walk in so you might want to keep it on. by the way, let me show you. this is what i do. you have it on, go like this, bingo, you're okay. then go like this, bingo, it's up. >> trevor: what if you're talking to somebody and they don't understand you? do you put it down to say something or do you practice saying it louder? >> noics you say it again and repeat it. that's a really good point because then when you put down you tend to speak louder with
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more force and that's when all the particles, if they're there, if you're infected, would come out. i would leave the mask on. >> trevor: my final one, if you are in a movie theater, some people are going to movies around the country and you're watching the new provey tenet and there's only two people in the cinema, do you put the mask on or keep it off? >> if they're so physically distanced you could probably keep it off, but, remember, you have to be careful, because, in the theater, if there's not good ventilation, there could be aerosol in that. myself, what i would do, i would probably keep it on just to be safe because i'm indoors, that's reason, because i'm indoors. >> trevor: dr. futurey, dr. --i hope we see you again soon. i hope it's not six months. do your vocal warmups, it helps me before i talk for a long time. last thing, would you consider getting woulgetting a celebritye
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numbers to text everybody personally? celebrities text and say, hey, my concert is coming up. you could do that and tell us, hey, guys, here's the new update for corona. consider it, dr. futurey. >> i will do that. >> trevor: thanks for joining us. >> you, too, stay safe. take care. >> trevor: thank you so much for your time, dr. fauci. we'll take a quick break. but we'll be right back after but before we go, last week we introduced th pandemmys, the award show for the most notable achievements of the coronavirus pandemic. and since then, you guys cast more than one million votes. now, obviously, president trump is trying to have half of those thrown out. so, before he can, here are some of the big winners. >> for best bull, kenny mceneny for i will never lie to you. >> will you pledge never to lie to us. >> i will never lie to you, you have my word on that.
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>> outstanding stunt coordination, donald trump. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ for best kevin, man dragged out by son. (~bleep ). >> pussies! you're all a bunch of pussies! >> trevor: for best karen, i am legend. >> oh, lord! you're i allegenned! aaahhh! aaahhh! she's doing the same thing! aaahhh! >> trevor: so there you have it, those are the pan demies! but remember there are no real winners. everyone is a loser in 2020. anyway, thank you for joining the fun, and go to pandemmyawards.com to see all the winners and nominees. stay safe out there, wear a mask, and i promise you i'll see you tomorrow. you can hold the tape and use my words against me. now, here it is -- your moment of zen
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if you want to be a true professional, you will do somethingo side yourself, something to repair tears in your community, something to make life a little better for people less fortunate than you. that's what i think a meaningful life is. ( applause ) [sighs] bleaah! okay, where does it hurt? right there. just...all over. (dwight) "abdomen." "menses." maybe. "the uterus contracts after your egg passes through it." not it. i don't have eggs. so when did this start? about ten minutes ago. when i came in with the paperwork? (dwight) ooh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?
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it's possible. (pam) michael? huh? david wallace is on line one. the cfo? oh. all right, everybody out. out, out, out. okay... to what do i owe this great honor, david wallace? [david on speakerphone] michael, i am calling-- and gromit. michael? yeah? michael? hmm? i'm calling to see if you would come down and interview for a job we have opening up in corporate. really? bring your first-quarter stats and your recommendation for who'd take over the scranton branch. wow. mm-hmm. i wish i had prepared something to say. that's not necessary. may god guide you in your quest. yes. [cheerful music] ♪
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okay, everybody have their towels and swimsuits? we have about an hour and a half. i suggest that you all go potty now. and then we will be congregating on the par-tay bus. oh, i'm excited-- today is beach day. michael is taking the whole office so i'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt. oh, yeah, i packed it in my purse. oscar, you brought your speedo, i assume? i don't wear a speedo, michael. well, you can't swim in leather pants. ha ha ha. i'm just yankin' your chain. not literally. anybody need sunblock? it's got an spf 30. oh, you know what? uh, you're not going. it's beach day. yeah, i know. i'm sorry, toby. we, um-- somebody has to stay here. i want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and i share after i have passed on

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